Former Secret Service Officer, a wife, mom, and Founder and President of the Hive and Hope Foundation

These are Elizabeth's favorite scriptures...

Elizabeth shared her story on Truth, Talk & Testimonies

Elizabeth's testimony is also on VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies podcast platforms

Before you had your precious son, Becket, your first child, you had a few challenging pregnancies. Could you share about these?

Absolutely. My husband and I got married in October 2020, and we felt the Lord tell us to start trying to grow our family in the summer of 2021, so we obeyed the Lord and got pregnant almost immediately, which was wonderful and such a blessing, and then, unfortunately, we lost that baby early on. Nobody had ever spoken to me about miscarriages or what to expect or anything, so quite honestly, I didn’t even know I was going through a miscarriage until it was over. I went to the OBGYN, and she confirmed that I had a miscarriage, and it was heartbreaking. After I got cleared by the doctors to try again, we prayed about it, and we felt peace to try again. After a few months, we got pregnant with triplets. That was a giant shock, but multiples run in my family. We were ecstatic and said, “Oh my gosh, the Lord is blessing us with a double portion. We made it almost until the second trimester, and I began cramping, and I said, “Well, there are three of them in there, so it could be normal that I’m feeling this way.” Then, I passed one of the babies at home, and immediately, I told my husband we had to go to the emergency room. Thankfully, the emergency room was less than five minutes from our house, but unfortunately, that’s where I passed my babies, and that was very hard because I knew what was happening at that point. The experience felt like a stolen promise, and it was a devastating time for us both. I had to take off of work to mourn the losses of my four babies. After losing our four kids, I would rather not try again for a while because I was afraid, traumatized, upset, and sorrowful. However, after much praying, we got cleared by the doctors. We waited a few months, tried, and then got pregnant with our son Becket. Becket was born in October 2022, and it was such a blessed pregnancy and easy—the only thing that wasn’t easy was just being paranoid and battling anxiety because of my previous losses, so of course, I was terrified. Still, I had to fight a lot of fear during that time, and the Lord spoke to me during pregnancy and gave me worship songs and scriptures and had random people from the church that I didn’t even know what happened previously come up to me and say, “This child shall live and not die.” They prophesied life over my son. I had Becket, and then about when he was five weeks old, on Thanksgiving Day of 2022, we started to notice these episodes—we didn’t know what happened or what could have caused it. Still, he began to shake uncontrollably; his eyes were fluttering, his extremities were tensing up and then shaking, and my husband and I were so scared. We had never seen anything like that before as first-time parents, so we took him to the emergency room that night.

Did they give any indication of what was going on with Becket? Did they have any idea at that point?

Unfortunately, no. The episode stopped, and Becket’s vitals looked fine, so the emergency room doctor checked him as much as he could and told us to bring him back if it happened again. They had no answers, so this began the long journey of my husband and me researching, reading, trying to see what was going on, and watching YouTube videos to try to link what happened to our son to what information could be out, to what the cause could have been.

You shared, too, that you went through postpartum depression. When did that come into play? Was that with your pregnancy with Becket?

My postpartum happened after I gave birth to Becket. I was a brand new mother and very sleep-deprived; the challenges that came with nursing and being unfamiliar with my baby started postpartum, and then Becket’s episodes drove it home and were a kind of the nail in the coffin for postpartum for me. I didn’t know what was going on with my baby, and I had no idea how to help him—he was suffering, and I had no idea what to do. 

I know that postpartum could present itself with different symptoms for different women. What were your symptoms?

I went through a lot of rage. I think that was my number one symptom, and also I had a lot of anxiety. Furthermore, I didn’t eat very much, and then other days, I overate. It was hard for me to go outside, even though I knew I needed to go outside, and I was not pleasant to be around. There’s a difference when you’re tired and sleep-deprived and all the usual things that come with having a brand new baby, but then there’s the other side where your heart is hard, and you treat people differently than you usually would. I was particularly nasty to my husband, father, and stepmother-in-law because they came from Florida to help me, and I didn’t treat them very well.

How did you become Becket’s advocate? And how did the Holy Spirit help lead and guide you and your husband as you noticed more symptoms with Becket? 

So, after the emergency room visit, we noticed he had more episodes each day. It became a daily thing and then multiple times per day, and the symptoms presented about the same as before. There was eye fluttering and tensing up of his extremities, and then there were times when it sounded like he wasn’t breathing and struggled to breathe. We took him to his former pediatrician and showed her the logs we’d written, and we had a shared note in our iPhone where we wrote down the time of the episode, the characteristics, how long they lasted, and the frequency. We also took some pictures and videos to show her, and she looked at it and said, “Oh, it looks like it might be reflux—a severe form of reflux and maybe Sandifer syndrome.” We didn’t know what Sandifer’s was, so we looked it up, and it was just like she said: it’s a symptom of a reflex where it looks like a baby is having a seizure, but it occurs after they feed. So we thought that looked like what Becket was going through, but something inside us, the Holy Spirit, told us there was more going on and wrong, and we needed to investigate it more. During this time, of course, we sought the Lord and prayed, and at this point, we tried to figure out what was wrong with our son. At times, it was difficult to hear God, even though He was constantly speaking to us—it was hard for us to hear due to our anxieties. We kept advocating for Becket.After visiting the pediatrician initially, I would send her messages on this app called My Chart and give her updates at least once a week. I was that mom because I wanted to make sure they had all the information they needed to try to help my son. Eventually, I went to the pediatrician again, and he had an episode in front of her in real-time. She looked at me and said, “This looks like it could be a seizure.” Previously, though, she was saying it could be colic; it could be the period of purple crying, which purple stands for something, but I forget what it stands for. Still, until this point, she would say other things that could be so; after she saw the episode happen, she referred us to a neurologist. About a week and a half later, we got in to see the neurologist. Still, we didn’t know that it was via Tella Health at an off-site location, so when we went into the doctor’s office and went to the back, this computer rolled in front of us, and the neurologist was through the screen, and he asked us if we could show him a video of the episodes. We put our phone up to the screen and showed him one video, and within 10 seconds, the neurologist said, “Nope, it’s not seizures—it’s reflux.” My husband and I said, “Are you sure because you only looked at it for 10 seconds?” Something was still not sitting right with us. The physician’s assistant took him at his word, and the appointment ended. At that point, my husband and I knew we needed to get an EEG done to get further information that could tell if Becket was having seizures. We had to fight and advocate with the physical assistant for a few minutes, but she finally said okay and referred us to have an EEG done. We felt we had a victory in getting what we asked for, and a few days later, we got admitted. Becket had the EEG, but no episodes appeared within the two hours during the test. The doctors said, “Hey, he’s not having seizures—he’s fine, so continue the reflex medicines.” My husband and I looked at each other again, and we asked the doctors, “Are you sure because he didn’t even have an episode—How can you know for sure?” We respect what the doctors do and their expertise, but we are the experts of our child, and we knew that something was still wrong, and the doctor kept saying he was okay. Nick and I took our sweet son back home, and the episodes continued and worsened. I did everything I could and went on a total elimination diet or TED. I eliminated a wide range of foods, including milk, dairy, and eggs, to investigate potential effects on my son’s health, which further complicated my breastfeeding journey, as I believed my son’s milk was causing him harm. We also put him on a formula that didn’t work—he was on a bunch of reflux medications that didn’t work, and he eventually went on a specialized amino acid-based formula that also didn’t work. We were so frustrated. It was around five months of constantly going back and forth, always, My Charting his pediatricians and specialists, everybody—and I was also called a paranoid first-time mom by one of the doctors, and it made me question if I was paranoid, but the Holy Spirit kept me strong. Both Nick and I knew there was something wrong.Eventually, I went to the specialist and said, “Hey, I’m taking my son to another hospital. I don’t trust you guys because you haven’t listened to us. I’m advocating for my son and know something is very wrong. At that time, I took him to a new pediatrician in another state who is still Becket’s current pediatrician. He had an episode in front of him, and the pediatrician looked at me and said, “What are you doing? You need to take him to the emergency room right now! This is a seizure.” God used my son’s current pediatrician to confirm that everything that we were feeling, everything that we were sensing, was correct. After his current pediatrician told us this, we took him to the emergency room in another state, and they admitted him and ran a 24-hour EEG, confirming that he indeed was having seizures. With this news, it felt like the floor beneath us just broke. We knew there was something more profound wrong, but to have it confirmed by a doctor was excruciating and very upsetting, so we both cried a lot and told the neurologist that he was going to be doing a genetic swab test in our mouth to confirm and help figure out a potential cause. Hence, they did a genetic test on Becket first, and we had the results back within a week and had a phone call. The neurologist said, “Your son has a rare genetic condition that is causing his seizures called Tuberous Sclerosis Complex, or TSC, which is a condition with no cure, and it produces non-cancerous tumors to grow in various parts of your body—in your eyes, brain, kidneys, lungs, and heart. A lot of the time, TSC is also the leading genetic condition for autism, so once we heard that Becket had TSC, the neurologist asked us if they could swab me and Nick to ensure that we didn’t have it. When we got the tests back, we discovered that Nick has TSC. It’s interesting because TSC is such a broad spectrum, and Nick has never had a seizure and presents no symptoms. In contrast, Becket has uncontrollable seizures despite several anti-epileptic drugs that he’s on.

What happened at the end of 2023 that took a turn for the worse?

After doctors diagnosed Becket in May 2023, he received the necessary treatment, assistance, and therapies, and things looked good. In September, we decided to go to Minnesota to see his godparents and then, right after, go to Texas to see my mother-in-law to spend time with family. They all loved seeing him, and he had a great time being on a boat for the first time. All of a sudden, his seizures got so bad that he would have about 100 seizures per day, and although they were quick, they were frequent. It got to the point where his lips turned blue, and he stopped breathing with almost every seizure, even for a little so even though the seizures were short, they occurred so frequently that each time he stopped breathing, it was horrible for him.Nick and I laid hands on him and prayed; his godparents are strong Christians, and we were in an excellent household full of Christians who laid hands on him and worshiped around him, bringing so much peace. So, after these seizures kept occurring, we reached out to his neurologist back home via My Chart. We told her what was going on and jumped on phone calls and told them they were so bad and that Becket, Nick, and I weren’t getting any sleep because every time he was awake, he was having a seizure. After sharing this with the neurologist, she said, “You guys are going to Houston, so I know the neurosurgeon there. Maybe neurosurgery is your next step?” Becket was on a bunch of medication and a rescue medication that was strong and was supposed to stop his seizures once they met a particular criterion, but it didn’t stop them at all. We responded that we were 100% on board to talk about surgery. When we got to Houston, it was by God’s grace that we got to have an appointment with this neurosurgeon because, typically, it takes months to get on the books to meet with him. We met him within a few days of being in Houston, and he sat us down and gave us our options and said we needed to do a presurgical workup. He explained that the presurgical workup involved X, Y, and Z, and that we would likely need a two-week stay. They sent us home that day, and then Nick returned to West Virginia for work, while I chose to stay with my mother-in-law and Becket to ensure his well-being and allow for a quick return to the hospital if necessary. A lot was going on at that time. One day, while we were watching TV, Becket started to have a terrible seizure, and it lasted longer than usual. He wasn’t breathing, and the color of his face was changing. I looked at my mother-in-law and said, “We need to go to the emergency room right now!” She took us to Texas Children’s Hospital to the emergency room, and what was supposed to be a couple of days stay ended up being an almost three-month stay with a couple of emergency brain surgeries. I called Nick and told him everything, and they got us a room, and we went up to the epilepsy monitoring unit at Texas Children’s Hospital. They began the presurgical workup, which took a few weeks, and during that time, it was very lonely because Nick was back home for work—he didn’t have generous paid time off at the time and had no option to work from home. His job knew what was happening, so they tried to accommodate him as much as possible, but he still couldn’t stay with us, so it was me, the Lord, and Becket. It was isolating. After he got the presurgical workup done, he had his first brain surgery when he turned one-year-old. Nick and I were so hopeful. The whole day, Becket was in surgery, and I was a complete mess, but I tried to keep my mind busy. I walked downtown, drank much coffee, prayed, and wrote in. Then, about 8-10 hours later, I received a call that Becket was done, so I ran to the hospital, and Nick met me there after arriving at the airport. We saw Becket in the recovery room, and as soon as we walked into his room, he had a seizure. Nick and I couldn’t believe it; we thought it was a nightmare because we were so hopeful that he would be seizure-free after his surgery. The seizure was so bad that we needed to be transferred to the ICU, and as he was transferred to the ICU, his oxygen and heart rate tanked. There were several nurses there who were trying to bag him and ensure his heart rate and oxygen came back up—there were probably close to 15-20 people in the ICU room, trying to get him to breathe, so Nick and I almost lost him, and it was a tough time for us, but the doctors and nurses there are phenomenal, and they got him back to where he needed to be, but it was during that time when the neurosurgeon came up and said, “I’m so sorry—sometimes this happens. We’re going to try again; we’re going to do all the presurgical workups again, draw the labs, the MRIs, and all the scans to ensure that we can get this because something went wrong and we didn’t get what we needed to get.” He took responsibility and was humble. Dr. Howard Weiner is incredible. Nick and I were mad, upset, and scared, but God had us there for a reason, and regardless of what the journey looked like—we knew it would help many more people than our sweet son, so we stayed steadfast and partnered with Dr. Weiner and trusted it would work out.During this time, a lot of the nurses would come in to try to bag Becket with oxygen—his seizures were short but severe to the point where his oxygen would tank quickly, but then come up quickly. They would rush in to bag him because the monitor lagged, and they were bagging him when he was completely fine, so I advocated for him and said, “Hey, I understand what you’re doing. The monitors beeped, but he’s okay now.” I told the nurses this several times and let them know that I was watching him like a hawk and that I would let them know if things didn’t look good and that I understood that they were trained to do what they were doing, but as a person constantly watching him, he’s okay. That was a partnership that I needed to establish with our medical team.Fast forward, Becket got his new presurgical workup done, and then he had a second brain surgery about three weeks after his first. Nick and I were nervous wrecks—he just turned one in November. We prayed to God and told Him we trusted Him 100% with our whole hearts. We’re not going to lean on our understanding or what the doctors say, even though God uses medicine and doctors, and it’s an incredible blessing. However, we understand that His word is final; His Word states that we are healed by His stripes. We kept declaring scripture over him and worshiping. We had other people from other churches that I didn’t even know come by and pray over us, visitors who gave us food, gift cards, and coffee. I lived off of coffee—I still do, but especially back then. Becket had his second brain surgery, and when he came out, he was babbling and laughing and being his silly self and wanted to eat, which was incredible. We were excited. Becket was seizure free for about six months, and then, unfortunately, his seizures came back last Easter. It has been an incredible journey with our sweet Becket. His seizures aren’t as bad as they were before surgery, which is such a blessing that he’s stable and still on medication, but he’s advancing so much. He’s almost two and a half, about to walk, babbling a lot, and has a few words under his belt, and he’s such a fantastic kid. We are still on this journey but strongly believe in the Lord. He was and is so close to us; we have unshakable hope in Him.

Elizabeth Brown is the Founder and President of the Hive and Hope Foundation, whose mission is to improve the quality of life and bring hope to children with complex special needs and their families affected by critical illnesses, genetic conditions, and epilepsy. 

Brian and Shawn Chrisagis

Founders of the Chrisagis Brothers Ministries & Productions

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5

Brian and Shawn Chrisagis were born with life-threatening allergies to the sun, grass, most foods, and clothing. The doctors said they wouldn't live past the age of two, but now—they are walking, talking miracles. The twins needed to be in an incubator for the first two years of their lives. When their parents brought them home from the hospital, the windows of their house were covered with bricks to protect them from the sun. The Chrisagis Brothers' early years were marked by a series of "tests and errors" from doctors in the United States, Italy, France, and Germany. It was discovered that the only foods they could eat were soybeans, milk, sardines, rice cakes, and peanut butter. Their mother (Marguerite Chrisagis) and grandmother (Carmie 'Nana' DeFilippo) made all their clothing out of the few fabrics their skin didn't react to. If they had to go outside, they would have to cover up with hats and blankets–if the sun touched their skin, they could die and have to be rushed to the hospital.

 
When Brian and Shawn were seven years old, their mother, Marguerite, suffered from a severe heart condition and became confined to a wheelchair and needed oxygen. One day, Marguerite went to a healing service at a Full Gospel Businessmen's meeting. After the sermon, she went forward to ask the preacher, Father Michael Scanlan, to pray for her sons' healing, but he insisted on praying for her. Father Scanlan told her that as a parent, she had the authority in her home to stand in the gap and pray for her sons' healing and deliverance. That is when Marguerite learned how to break the bloodline of sickness, death, and disease over her home and loved ones.

After Father Scanlan prayed for Marguerite, she got out of her wheelchair, took off her oxygen, ran around, and wasn't winded. When she got home, she had the whole family pray over her sick children. Marguerite' felt an evil spirit push her onto the floor,' and the twins were instantly healed from all sickness! Marguerite asked the boys to name anything they would like to eat in the act of faith. "Hot fudge sundae!" was the unanimous response, and the family went out to a nearby restaurant for the boys' first ice cream.

The entire week, the family went to the doctors, who "redid the tests and x-rays about five times" before they finally confirmed the twins were entirely well and their mother had "a new heart." Their doctor became a born-again believer that day, marking the beginning of the twins' powerful ministry. Today, Brian and Shawn are ordained ministers who have devoted their lives to sharing their powerful testimony and God's love through their music and creativity.

 
The Chrisagis Brothers have become staples for their wholesome family entertainment and fun through the years. To check out Brian and Shawn's biography and career highlights, please visit their ministry site, The Chrisagis Brothers Ministries & Productions

Chrisagis Brothers Music CD's

Chrisagis Brothers Support Club

ArtBy Chrisagis

If you are interested in purchasing artwork from Brian & Shawn please message them on their ArtBy Chrisagis Facebook page. Artwork is $50 plus shipping @ $8---each picture is 8 and a half by 11--larger sizes are 11 by 17 for $70 plus shipping. Proceeds help support this wonderful ministry!   

Little House on the Prairie by Shawn

Russ Taff and David Phelps by Brian & Carmen and Michael W. Smith by Shawn

Kathy Troccoli by Brian

A beautiful book about the Chrisagis Brothers Mother, Marguerite "Margie" Chrisagis, and their family called A Legacy of Love--by Debbie Fuller (Author), The Chrisagis Brothers (Contributor) -- Click on the book cover to order on Amazon 

Special tribute song for Brian & Shawn's Mother Marguerite "Margie" Chrisagis called If Heaven Had a Phone

Jesus Everywhere I Go Music Video--Classic MTV video that made the Chrisagis Brothers known

In Loving Memory

Shawn Chrisagis, of the beloved singing duo The Chrisagis Brothers, passed suddenly in June 2023. Shawn was a minister of the gospel, singer, and performer who loved the Lord and people with all his heart. He was anointed, loving, creatively brilliant, and authentic. Shawn will be greatly missed by all those who loved and cared for him and by all the lives he touched while sharing the love of Jesus. Well done, good and faithful servant! —Matthew 25:23

In 2025, Brian started a podcast called I Pressed On, which takes the word DEPRESSION and rearranges the letters to something positive. This show was born out of Brian's great loss of his twin brother, Shawn. I Pressed On Podcast

Chrisagis Ministries

Jamie Baird

Finance Company Onboarding Training

These are Jamie's favorite scriptures...

Jamie shared her story on Truth, Talk & Testimonies

Jamie's testimony is also on VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies podcast platforms

How old were you when you gave your life to Christ?

My parents raised me in a Christian home—we joke that I was born on a Sunday, and then the following Sunday, I was at church, and that was pretty much my whole experience growing up. I remember my dad leading me to the Lord, when I was four. My dad walked me through the Roman road to salvation, and I believe it was a Wednesday night when I came home from church asking questions. He made it very simple to understand that I was a sinner even at the age of four—we’re all born sinners—and that Jesus was the only way to forgive sins and to go to heaven.

When you went to college, were you still following Christ there too?

Yes. My parents ensured we were in church and were there whenever the doors opened. I went to a private Christian school, K-12, and after that, I went to a local secular university where I was on fire for God. I led a Bible study on campus, and my faith was very grounded—the worldview of a secular education didn’t affect me. What happened to me reminds me of the scripture that talks about how Satan is like a roaring lion walking to and fro seeking whom he can devour, and it just takes a small opening to start getting in trouble. One benefit of being saved at such a young age is that you are sheltered from many influences and things that can cloud your faith. Still, on the catch side, sometimes when you’re saved at such a young age, you’re so sheltered or protected that your faith kind of never really has an opportunity to grow like a muscle or grow and be exercised because, again, you’re insulated, and so it was after college that was the first time that my faith had been tested—some things were going on in our church in terms of division. There were people I looked up to that I saw doing things that I knew were not biblical, and for the first time in my life, it caused me to step back and say, “Well, if this is how God lets his people do things or live, then what’s the point of following God?” If He’s in control and this stuff still happens, what’s the point? We have free will, but our lives should align with scripture and the fruit of the spirit if we’re true Christians. And this was the quick dive of turning my back on my faith for some time.

What happened next? 

After college, I moved away for what began as law school, but became graduate school instead, so I moved from North Carolina to Virginia. This was the first time being on my own as an adult, so here I am—I’m 21—and the first time living away from my parents, and it was sort of that perfect storm of freedom as a young adult plus questioning: not necessarily salvation but God’s plan and sovereignty and no one was hovering over my shoulder saying, “How’s your walk with the Lord?” It’s easy to walk the walk still and talk the talk over the phone or when you go home to visit—to act one way and do the other.

What kind of things were going on that you were drifting slowly from the Lord, but it started to happen quickly? 

It was in about six months—that’s how quickly it all began. I distinctly remember being in my car in a parking lot before I moved to Virginia, and I was trying to pray. I felt like my prayers were bouncing off the hood of my car, and I didn’t think that God was hearing me. I got angry and so mad at God, and I told Him in my anger that if this is how He treats His children, I don’t want any part of Him. I decided that day that everything I knew was wrong, and I was going to do and figure out what I’d been missing out on. Those rebellious seeds sprouted and took off like a wild vine.

Was it during that time that you met your husband? 

Not long after. I moved to Virginia in August 2009. I met my husband in August 2010, so within one year and during that year, if you did not know me, you would have thought being a Christian was the last thing you would have thought I was. Now again, I could pretend when I was around other Christians, but I also quickly figured out how to blend in with the world. It was at that time that I met my husband—I was actually in England at the time, participating in a summer abroad program for grad school, and we ended up meeting online because I didn’t know very many people in Virginia and the school I went to, oddly enough, was a Christian university, so the irony was not lost but I knew at the time I did not want to meet anyone at the university that was not a goal—I was too deep in the rebellion. I ended up meeting my husband online, and when I came back from England to return to Virginia, we went on our first date on August 3rd, 2010. It was a quick romance—we had much in common and similar interests. He had been in the Navy, so he had a lot of life experience and traveled—it was an instant connection, and he had no religious background—so he was perfect for me at the time. He didn’t meet his dad until he was 16, so he grew up with his mom, the family’s black sheep. You could say she moved far away from family, so it was just him and his mom, and he grew up completely non-religious. When he was in his teens and early 20s, he was exposed to a lot of different religions–he went to a mosque, he went to a Buddhist temple, went to a Mormon temple–he dabbled in pretty much every major religion, more from an anthropological sense of wanting to understand the cultures.  

Did you get married soon after you started dating?

Yeah. We got married on the second anniversary of our first date, August 3rd, 2012, in North Carolina, and about a week later, I started my first-year teaching. We were, you know, young, married, happy, and excited to be starting our lives together. 

What happened before your second anniversary? 

Because I was a teacher, I had summers off. We decided to take an epic road trip out west because he had grown up in Colorado, and I’d never traveled past the Mississippi, so I was very eager to explore. And we decided we have the time, we have the money–let’s do it, so we left North Carolina and went to Texas. We went and picked up his mom. A few weeks before our second anniversary, we traveled north through New Mexico, Colorado, up to Idaho, and back down. We were in Jackson Hall, Wyoming, and had just visited the Teton mountain range and had the trip of a lifetime, and we were exploring a coffee shop. I had just sat down with my drink, and he just turned to me and calmly and nonchalantly said, “I want a divorce; our marriage is over,” and this came out of nowhere. We had been on vacation, and we hadn’t been fighting, and I remember thinking, “Can we at least fight first?” It was out of the blue and almost like a sick joke. It was shocking and completely out of left field. After recovering from the shock, I tried to ask him if he was serious. And why was he doing this?

I mentioned earlier that my husband was in the Navy. I knew that he had PTSD; that was something that we had talked about when we were dating, but I honestly didn’t understand PTSD—it’s not just one of those things that you have and it goes away—it’s something that, much like depression, can flare up. I was very ignorant of it, and to a degree, my husband was too. One of the things about PTSD is it causes emotional detachment. The reason is it’s almost a defense mechanism—I’m going to push someone I love away so that I don’t drag them down the hole with me—I’m going to save them from my demons or darkness, so that’s one of the big reasons why so many people with PTSD end up not living, or their marriages tend not to work. It’s a very dark time for so many.

So, were you separated from your husband for a long time, or did you get divorced?

I convinced him to at least come back from our trip. He was still enrolled in college and had already paid the tuition. I told him that he might as well finish the semester, and he agreed. I felt like that was a win. At least I convinced him to come home. I thought he would be reasonable and understand once we returned to our routine. That was naïve. When we got home, we walked into a storm reflective of what was happening in our lives. Our apartment was inundated with a water leak from the unit above us. You can imagine the July heat in North Carolina; it was infested with mold, so we walked in from our marriage being over to you can’t live here anymore, so we went into survival mode by pushing our emotions to the back burner to let’s try to figure out where we’re going to sleep tonight. That got us through for about a month, and then school started back for me that August and my husband also was in school.

We coexisted as roommates for a while, and I was trying to navigate this new normal of him being home. We were married, but he was still adamant about leaving in December when his semester ended. I was wondering why and still didn’t understand, and he couldn’t quite explain it—it was one of those things of I’m doing this because I love you, which was so counterintuitive in my world—I was like, "Well, if you love me, why are you leaving me?" So, I couldn’t get past this. We lived in the same house for that semester but were strangers. I didn’t know my husband anymore—he was like a stranger. In December, a week before Christmas, literally about two days after his semester officially ended, he packed up his pickup and left. I didn’t even know where he was going, which was hard. All I knew was that he was going west. He had some family in Texas but wouldn’t tell me where he was going. I remember asking him, “Well if you have to leave, will you at least promise that we will have a goal of reconciliation?” Him telling me that our marriage was over is what jerked me out of my rebellion, and it’s what brought me back to God almost immediately. I distinctly remember that day when he told me that our marriage was over, going back to the hotel, locking myself in the bathroom and sitting on the floor sobbing and, for the first time in two or three years, praying and saying to God—"It hurts, God—it hurts." For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have to wear the mask—you know, the good little Christian girl mask—I was just raw, and I remember the Lord’s small voice so loud in my heart saying, “Are you done doing things your way?” And I knew I had a choice to make. I could keep doing it my way, which was not working despite my best efforts, or I could try it God’s way, and at that point, I was smart enough to know that my way was not working out. At that moment, I surrendered, and that changed not only my life but also both of our lives.

Can you tell us how God got your husband’s attention? 

One of the great things about God is that He’s in the details and always working, even when we don’t think He is or when we can’t see what’s going on. One of my favorite Bible stories is of Zacchaeus because, you know, we always sing the song he climbed up in a sycamore tree. still, then, that sycamore tree had to be planted however many years before Zacchaeus was ever born or to be big enough, tall enough, and strong enough to support a grown man climbing in it to see the Lord, but that’s just like God to plan and create a way when we’re not paying attention.

One thing that happened that Christmas before our trip was that we were actually at a Hobby Lobby and probably buying more Christmas decor that I did not need, and a local church group was out front passing out treat boxes. In the South, that’s a thing around Christmas. You know, people will pass out fruits and nuts and candies. It’s just kind of a thing, and I remember getting that and going to the car and breaking down in tears for no reason other than that it pricked my heart even then. However, I was still too much into the rebellion to surrender then, but when I surrendered in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, it was like God brought that moment to my mind. I remember telling my husband on the ride home from the West to North Carolina, that I needed to go to church; he asked why because we had only been to church once or twice since we’d known each other, and asked which church I would go to. I responded, “Well, maybe I should check out the church that gave us that box.” I didn’t know why, but I needed to find that church. I couldn’t remember the name of the church. I knew it started with the letter p, and in the South, there’s a church on every corner, so I was like, I’m going to have to try to narrow this down a little. I even called Hobby Lobby to see if the employer remembered a church group about eight months ago. He probably thought I was crazy and had no clue what I was talking about. Still, I ended up Googling the Baptist churches in the area that began with the letter p, and I had a result pop up. Hence, the first Sunday we were back, I went, and I remember sitting in the parking lot glued to my car—I was anxious and knew that going to church was the first big step back.

I had already repented, but walking into a church alone was different, so I mustered up the courage and marched on into an oasis. People were so kind and welcoming, and every sermon was like I thought there were cameras in my house because every sermon was perfectly tailored to what I’d been going through. It was surreal to me how God was ordering my steps. For the first time in a long time, I felt a deep hunger for the things of God, and it was exactly what I needed. It wasn’t doing things out of a checklist mentality or, if I don’t do this, I’m not a good Christian—for the first time, I craved praying and reading my Bible. Also, when I prayed for the first time, I felt I was talking to God. It was a fantastic feeling, even though my personal life was chaotic. I would go from depression to wanting to beat my husband up to wondering if I’ll be getting divorced after only two years of marriage—like, what in the world? This isn’t Hollywood. The church I started attending poured into me, and they saw someone hurting, and there was no judgment—it was just love. 

How did you two get back together?

Only God! My husband left a couple of weeks before Christmas, and it felt as though Satan had won. I thought God would save the day, and there was even a moment when he pulled off and got halfway up the driveway. He stopped the truck, threw it in the park, came running back in, and kissed me, and I thought I had my husband back—he wasn’t a stranger anymore, and it was the guy I knew, but then he went back to the truck and kept going, and I remember just sitting outside in the cold. I knew God was in control, and I had a choice to make. I could either trust God even when it did not seem possible or go back to trying to run my life, and I knew that was not an option, so I decided to trust God. It was interesting because every time I felt like it was too hard and I needed to walk away from this, God would send someone who knew nothing about what I was going through and give me a scripture to encourage me. This one lady at my church, who knew very little about what was going on in my life, gave me a towel, like one of those decorative towels that said Believe on it. I was doubting how God was going to do anything here—my husband moved out, and I had some people telling me what he did was grounds for divorce—he’s abandoned you. There’s nothing in scripture that says that if an unbelieving spouse walks away, you have to stay and that I had biblical grounds for a divorce, but when I would pray and ask God what to do, I never had peace about divorce. I even remember praying for God to let me out of this because it hurt too much holding on. I didn’t even know where he was living, but repeatedly, I would hear God saying, “Be still, trust me in the waiting.” I believe God used that time to show me that Jesus is all I needed, whether my marriage was restored or not—Jesus was enough.

It was interesting because, before this, I never realized how much of my identity as a woman was wrapped up in being a wife. It was almost like my self-worth was tied to my marriage, so I didn’t feel I knew who I was when he left. I had to learn who I was in Christ. My identity is found in Christ, not in any relationship, career, or anything else.

I found out through snooping—I’m not proud of it. It was a weak moment, and I still had passwords to emails and all that fun stuff, but I found out that he was in Washington State. I was happy to know where he was, but it scared me knowing how far he was because that’s 3,000 miles away; he might as well be on the moon, but God used that time to teach me to trust Him because I had no contact with my husband. I would try to text or call him occasionally and get a response, but it was indeed a separation.

During this time, I prayed fervently for that man. At first, the prayers were, God, please fix my marriage, please fix my marriage, please fix my marriage, and that mattered because I don’t think anyone wants their marriage to fail. However, as I grew in my faith, God began to prompt me to pray differently and more specifically for my husband. 

Instead of asking God to change him and make him come home, it became praying for his physical safety. I later found out my husband was dealing with a significant medical emergency during this time that he had not disclosed to me, but God would wake me up in the middle of the night telling me to pray for my husband’s health. It was heavy on my heart to pray for his salvation and claim him for God, and it sounded so odd. Still, I’m just like, you know what, God’s got me this far; whatever he tells me, I’m just going to go for it, whether it makes sense at the moment or not, and then I remember, you know, God would prompt me to pray for a hedge around him and growing up, I’d always heard you pray for a hedge of protection around someone. I didn’t understand what that meant, so I started digging through the Bible about where we get the phrase “a hedge of protection” and found that it differed from what I thought a hedge of protection was. Yes, it’s like building a fence around someone. Still, many times in the Bible, a wall of thorns was planted, so of course, thorns keep the enemies out. Still, they would also keep the sheep from trying to get out because the thorns would guide them to where they needed to be, and once I understood this, I said, “God—yes, definitely put some thorns around that man!” But it was more to steer him toward the Lord, and I began to pray that God would put people on his path to share Christ with him. I distinctly remember in May—he had been gone for almost six months—and I went to church on Wednesday night, and I was talking to the pastor and his wife, who were excellent; there were so many times when I crying and they were calm and ministered to me, giving me biblical counsel and I told them that I felt like I finally passed the test and finally learned that God’s enough, whether he fixes my marriage or whether I never see him again—God is enough.

I kid you not; my husband called me out of the blue the next day. I hadn’t heard his voice in at least three months, and he begged me if I was willing to take him back. He said he regretted leaving and how things had happened and wanted to know if anything was left to come home to. And I said, “Oh, my goodness, God, you answered my prayer.” I was in shock, but in my heart, I had thought—the way that I had told God this was going to work was he was going to save my husband; he was going to call me saying, “Honey, I’ve been saved—I’m sorry—we’re going to fix our marriage, and we were going to live happily ever after,” but that wasn’t quite how God decided to do it. He worked on my husband to the point where my husband wanted to reconcile our marriage, but my husband still had no interest in God whatsoever. So the school year was over in June, and he came back to North Carolina for a few weeks, and we had some very long talks, and I got a lot of counsel from my pastor and his wife just because I didn’t want to jump into anything because of what my heart was telling me. I wanted to make sure I listened to God and didn’t want to make any more mistakes. Of course, my family and friends didn’t want me to move out to Washington, and they were concerned that my husband would leave me again. I had a church, career, and support in North Carolina. I agreed with what they were saying, but in my heart, I just had an overwhelming peace that I needed to go to Washington—for how long, I did not know, but I knew where I needed to be. I waited for my niece to be born in July, then a few days later, packed up my tiny Ford Focus with everything I could fit. It took me three days, but I got to Liberty Lake, Washington, and arrived there one year to the day my husband told me our marriage was over. We began that slow, arduous process of rebuilding trust, tried to forge our new normal, and learned that rebuilding a marriage is not a happily ever after thing.

Each of us had baggage that we brought with us, and it was more than just what fit in the trunk of my car. You know, he still wasn’t a Christian. I was very different from what I was when he had left—we had to learn about each other all over again, but one of the things that happened when I moved there was, I knew I needed to find a church—a local body of believers to plug into. Of course, being so far away, I thought of using Google to see what I could find. A small church plant was only a year old, and within walking distance of our apartment, so I checked it out because it seemed pretty biblical from what they believed on their church website. It was so interesting; at the first service, I noticed they were using the same hymn book as the church I had been attending in North Carolina, and so many other things were reminiscent of home. When I walked into the church, it felt like I was home. 

I met the pastor after the service. He discovered I was new to the area and asked if my husband was a Christian. I told him, “Not yet,” but I knew God didn’t bring me to Washington only to do half of the job—whatever He does, He’s going to complete. It just so happened that the pastor was a Navy veteran with a heart for veterans. There are no coincidences with God. So I got plugged into that church, but my husband was leery of organized religion, but he forged a relationship with the pastor. They bonded over their shared experiences in the Navy, and I remember he came home one day after they had coffee together, and he said, “That guy is the real deal.” I asked him what he meant, and he shared that he’s not fake—he’s an authentic Christian. Now and then, my husband started coming to church with me without me asking him to, and he began to develop a hunger to know more. One time, we came home from church the following May, so I’d been there almost a year in Liberty Lake, and springtime in the mountains, it’s muddy, wet, and cold. We came home from church, and he was pacing the apartment to the point that I thought he would wear a hole in the carpet. My husband doesn’t cry—I think I saw him crying once when his dog died and another time when our son was born, but he was crying with tears pouring down his face saying, "I have to talk to a priest—I’ve got to speak to a priest". I told him, but you’re not Catholic. Then he said, “I’ve done too much in my life—there’s no way God would ever want me—I’ve crossed too many lines and crossed a point of no return, but maybe if I talk to a priest, they can do something.” I responded, “Well, why don’t you call Pastor Greg? He’s probably still at the church. Why don’t you talk to him?” And he said, “Okay, that makes sense.” I called Pastor Greg for him because he was so upset and asked, “Would you be willing to talk to Jason?” And, of course, he said yes and asked Jason if he could meet him on the mountain at Liberty Lake Regional Park. I was sitting at home praying because I sensed a shift in my husband. He was under such conviction and agitated. He was gone for 2-3 hours in the misty rain and mud, and finally, he came home and didn’t say a word—he took off his shoes, cleaned himself up, and went to the garage, and I was left wondering—Okay, what happened? He was gone for 2-3 hours. Did he have a Moses experience with a burning bush? Did he get saved? So, I texted Pastor Greg, who said he just asked many questions, and I answered them. I wanted to rush God, but I knew it had to be His timing and way.

About a month later, in June, I was at church. My husband had been going every week with me, which was not the norm for him. But that week, he said he wasn’t going that morning, and I was thrown off. I asked if he was sick, but he said he was fine. So, I went by myself, and right before the service started, the pastor announced that we would go down to the Spokane River for a baptism after church. It’s a relatively small church. I’m looking around like everyone here had already been baptized, and then I think, well, maybe a kid got saved, and I didn’t know or realize. At about that time, my husband strolled in with his motorcycle helmet in one hand and a bag of clothes in the other. He had the biggest smile on his face, and so did Pastor Greg, so I was a mess when he was getting baptized and so excited. I talked to him afterward and asked him when he gave his life to Christ, and he shared that after he spoke with the pastor on the mountain, he started to read the Bible later that week, and everything clicked, and all of it made sense—God is real! 

After getting baptized, his relationship with the Lord accelerated, and he would wake up in the morning and read the Bible, get involved in church, and go to Bible college to learn more scripture. God helped him with PTSD, and his quick temper began to go away. The emotional distance, numbness, and callousness started to be replaced with gentleness and more self-awareness—God was healing him, and it was miraculous. We even burned the divorce papers. God specializes in the impossible—only He can do such things and never wastes our pain. 

Estelle

Regulatory Oversight Specialist

These are Estelle's favorite scriptures that ministered to her during her healing process from trauma.

Estelle shared her story on Truth, Talk & Testimonies

Estelle's testimony is also on VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies podcast platforms

Did you grow up in a Christian home?

I grew up with relatives who were Christian. My mom was a Christian, but my father was not, and they got divorced when I was a baby. My mom introduced me to the Lord, and my grandmother and aunts knew the Lord. I was told that I was around 5 years old when I became saved and accepted Jesus in my life to save me from my sins. My mom asked me if I accepted Jesus, and I said, “Yeah, mom, and I felt Him. So that's what I'm told. For most of my childhood, I loved the Lord and spent much time in church. 

You shared with me that you went through trauma and abuse—can you share some of that? 

Yeah, my stepfather abused me. My mom remarried when I was about 4 years old, and my stepfather was an alcoholic. When I was 11, for a prolonged period, he was abusive to me. He would molest me—it wasn’t as bad physically as what I hear a lot of people experience in a situation like that, but I think for me, it was the psychological trauma of it, the way I was groomed and tricked and manipulated—it was very devastating and traumatizing because I also wanted to have a close relationship and father figure, but he took advantage of that. I have a good relationship with my biological father, but I didn’t see him very much. So, my stepdad took advantage of an 11-year-old girl who wanted to have a wholesome father figure in her life. It was just very traumatizing, and it happened over a prolonged period. I was a zombie as a kid because I couldn’t process what was happening to me. 

You told me you received help in the church. 

Yes. In my junior year of high school, I didn’t have a safe place to stay because my mom was in the hospital, and I was alone with my stepdad. To my knowledge, no one was aware of my abuse. He stopped abusing me at that point, but it wasn’t safe for me to be there. One of my aunts, a Christian, came to check on me, and she discerned it wasn’t safe for me there. I believe that was the Holy Spirit. I thank God she checked on me, and for about a month, until my mom got out of the hospital, I stayed with my assistant pastor’s family. They treated me like I was part of their family. It was one of the best experiences of my life because I could see what a healthy marriage was and what a Christian household could look like—it was just a wonderful experience for me. It gave me a great impression of myself and something to think back on even when I grew up. It served as a helpful gauge for me to evaluate relationships. God used that experience. 

God used that experience there in that household. Did anyone know what was going on at home?

I don’t think anyone knew at that point that someone had molested me. The interesting thing is that going back to when I was 11, I think people knew something was going on with me because I remember meeting with the pastor of my church at one point. He asked me if my stepfather was touching me, which to me was an odd question—I don’t understand a lot of the circumstances that were happening in my life back then, but at that point, I think I couldn’t even admit it to myself, and I knew I was lying to him, but I told him no. Also, a man asking me was uncomfortable, even though my pastor was someone I respected and was a safe person. Still, when I was living with my assistant pastor’s family, I think they most likely knew I came from a troubled home. My stepfather was an alcoholic, and obviously, my aunt didn’t think it was safe for me to be there. I don’t think they knew the extent of what was happening. Eventually, my mom and I did go to a therapist and would talk about how his alcoholism affected me. That was when I had many memories resurface because, for a while, I was blocking everything out as a protection. It was too much for me to want to admit or face—I think I was around 17 or 18 when I went to that therapy session with my mom. I tried to talk about what happened to me, but I did it vaguely. I blacked out and don’t remember much from that session because it was traumatizing. 

Did you go to college then, and if you did, what for?

I did end up going to a Bible college. The pastor of my church, who loved the Lord and Scripture, inspired me. He was so serious about the Word of God, and it was fascinating when he would share about all these fulfilled prophecies in the Bible, and I would be on the edge of my seat. And he would get so emotional about what Jesus did for us—he was very analytical, scholarly, and innovative. Jesus’ death, and the grace and mercy He gave us forgiving all our sins caused him to weep at the pulpit. This made a great impression on me, and I wanted to learn more about the Bible. I felt so blessed by my church. I would go to youth group, and I went to church on Sundays and Wednesdays regularly. That might sound like a lot, but I loved being around other believers and receiving support. It was a place of stability, and I wanted to learn more about the Bible and pay forward how the church helped me.

When you started college, you took ministry courses but veered off. What caused you to get off track?

There were a couple of things—I mentioned that I viewed my pastor as analytical, and I’m very detail-oriented and analytical, so while studying theology, I began to notice things in the Bible that I thought were contradictions, but we know God never contradicts Himself or the Word. I knew Jesus wants to save everyone, but yet narrow is the way—and there is a hell. I had doubts and questions. I think I was missing discipleship—looking back, some things were missing in my walk with Christ, but the idea of hell was so triggering to me and my trauma because I grew up feeling in danger. Something I didn’t mention is that I did try to get help as a child and reach out to someone, but I don’t think I thoroughly explained what was happening to me, and the abuse continued. I tried, and I was just a kid, and it was a lot to process. 

I ended up standing up to my abuser. One day, I snapped and started screaming at him—exceptionally intensely. I was a skinny pip-squeak of a kid, and I stood up to this grown man, and he actually apologized to me, and he never did it again, but it could have happened again as I got older because he was still drinking, and my aunt was noticing things that I was not safe. That dangerous environment compromised my safety. I always thought that I was in danger, and I couldn’t handle the idea of someone being in danger of going to hell. When I was in danger, I put a stop to it, and I think that the idea of people going to hell is just so triggering to me. And I thought, oh, people are in danger, and I felt responsible—I didn’t know how to save these people. And we know that we’re not the ones who save them—Jesus does—I didn’t trust God that He’s responsible for saving them. I couldn’t handle the idea of hell, and I had a lot of questions. I think I had a lot of pride, and I started to drift away from the Lord and think that I didn’t need Him very much. There were a lot of things going on, and eventually, I became a closet atheist while in Bible college. I remember reading the story of the prodigal son a bunch of times. I felt like I didn’t believe it. Should I admit to myself that I didn’t believe it? I thought that maybe God wanted honest disbelief over blind belief, and I ended up throwing my faith away. I didn’t share with many people what I was going through. Some of my close friends knew, and they were pretty devastated. I graduated from college and lived on my own with roommates—For at least 15 years, I lived as a nonbeliever.

Did you get involved in the New Age and things like that?

Yes, at first, I started as a secular humanist and didn’t believe in anything supernatural. I still wanted to be an ethical person and have morals. I studied philosophy and ethics, and it was so empty, and there’s no philosophical system that’s good or comparable to what the Bible teaches us. Nothing that I could find was satisfactory, and it felt very empty. There was a part of me that still craved spirituality. Also, I was hurting—for the most part, I had managed to keep things together even though I had this trauma that affected almost every area of my life, and I always knew something was wrong with me but managed to keep it under wraps.

In 2013, my half-brother, who had been in the military and had gone to Afghanistan and Iraq, went missing; we found him, and he had committed suicide. There were a lot of circumstances around that, and it was re-triggering to me, as well as things related to communication. Things with communication triggered me my whole life because I tried to reach out for help, but I didn’t communicate well, so communication was a big deal for me. I found out about my brother through someone I was friends with on Facebook, and they said, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I saw a news report.” I searched on Google to see if there were any leads, and I saw from an online newspaper that my brother passed away. I called a family member, and she told me she knew nothing. It was so traumatic. I called the police, and they were cold towards me because I wanted to know who in my family knew. I then called my dad, which was the hardest thing ever. I decided that I needed to tell my dad that his son had passed away. We hoped that maybe he was just eccentric and went off-grid and did something crazy. But that whole thing with my brother re-triggered many things, and my life spiraled from there. I just needed something, so I was going to therapy and doing different treatments. I was also more open to spirituality, so I started listening to certain preachers who watered down the gospel. Hence, the teaching was more palatable to me. I was more open to that kind of spirituality, but I also dabbled in things like Reiki, got deep into yoga, and got my yoga teacher certification, which they taught as a spiritual practice. I also got into Native American shamanism.

You shared that you had PTSD, but you don’t have it anymore. How did the PTSD go away?

Praise Jesus, I don’t have PTSD anymore. I knew my brother had PTSD from the military, so I was curious about PTSD and did some research and had already been going to regular therapy. I talked to my therapist about it and was watching videos and hearing people describe flashbacks and I thought, “Holy smokes,” that’s what I experienced all the time. I didn’t know that’s what it was, so whenever there was a specific trigger, I would re-experience certain situations in my childhood, where someone miscommunicated with me. I would feel like I was in physical danger because of that miscommunication as a kid. I had this false belief that if I didn’t communicate well, I would be in danger. So, if I had a simple miscommunication with a friend, I would feel in physical danger. I would describe it as I felt I was in a burning building and needed to get out. I felt such an urgency, and living an everyday life like that became difficult because you communicate with people regularly. There were other triggers, too, and I saw a lot of specialists who claimed to be able to help with PTSD, so I did anything I could think of, and a lot of the things helped take the edge off of the symptom. I did cognitive-behavioral therapy; I went to an intensive program that you would go to almost every day, and they did a lot of group therapy work. I tried dialectical behavioral therapy and prolonged exposure therapy. EMDR, dance therapy, neurofeedback, mindfulness meditation, and all the new-age stuff—I tried anything because I was desperate. They gave me temporary relief, but they weren’t healing me. When I re-dedicated my life to Christ and became a believer again, I did cognitive processing therapy because it helps you identify your false beliefs and determine a more accurate belief. After all, their theory is that your emotions and triggers are based on a particular belief. So, if you pinpoint what your beliefs are, you can replace them with more accurate ones. I felt like I was spiraling and not getting better, and the main therapist I went to was trying to get me to accept that I had PTSD. It’s something I’ll need to live with for the rest of my life and manage the symptoms instead of looking for a cure, but I knew I couldn’t sustain it and was highly motivated to heal. I was also scared because therapy wasn’t working—I tried everything and worked so hard and was highly motivated to heal—I was going into depression and threw so much money at different therapies and treatments and couldn’t fix myself, so I gave up and out of desperation, I prayed and said, “God, I don’t even know if you’re real, and if you are real, I don’t even know if you would want me back, but I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have a solution—you’re my only hope. If you want me back, I’ll do things your way, and we’ll see if you can do something with this mess." I completely surrendered. 

I learned that it was my trauma that caused me to go down the rabbit trail of not believing. When I look back, seeds were planted along the way, and even when I wasn’t serving the Lord, there were so many situations, and I know the Lord was carrying me. After surrendering to Jesus, I bought a Bible, started praying, and attended church. I was still going to cognitive processing therapy. The reason why I was open to going was I asked my therapist if I could use scripture to learn and come to know more accurate beliefs—I was committed to doing things God’s way, and one by one, using scriptures, my false beliefs were replaced by accurate beliefs rooted in God’s Word. I stopped going to therapy and doing what the Bible says to take every thought captive, so when I felt like I was in physical danger, I would remember that the Lord is my protector. 

Earlier, I described how when I would have a flashback, I would feel like I was in a burning building, and I would think about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and how they were in a fiery furnace because that was their punishment. After all, there was a rule about worshipping the king, and they refused to worship anyone but their God. The king looked into the furnace and saw a fourth person there, so I would remind myself that the Lord was with me. Isaiah 43:2 was such a meaningful scripture for me. I knew I wasn’t in danger, but I would think about the Lord being with me and protecting me. Those flashbacks were the most horrific thing—I just felt tormented, and they were excruciatingly painful, and it would take me days to recover from them. And they were just physically challenging—my body was constantly in crisis mode, so it took a toll on my health, too, but I learned to praise God during my suffering. I learned that despite suffering, I could rejoice, and that God would use these circumstances to build character. I have the joy of the Lord and complete freedom in Him—what He has done for me; He can do for anyone! 

Debi Rutkowski

Former nurse, group leader of Delighting in the Lord women's ministry, and involved with the cancer support and healthcare ministries at Calvary Chapel of Chester Springs, PA. A wife, mother of six, and soon-to-be grandmother of eleven to Stan’s family.

These are Debi's favorite scriptures that have ministered to her during life challenges.

Debi shared her testimony on Truth, Talk & Testimonies

When did you come to know the Lord?

I was 21 years old when I accepted the Lord into my life. I was actually at a Keith Green memorial concert that his wife, Melody, was organizing around the country after he tragically passed in a plane accident with their two children. My mom’s Bible study group was praying for me and was taking a bus to go down, so they asked if I wanted to go along. Reluctantly, I would say I went along because I knew about Christianity and thought that “I’m not going to be one of them.”. So, we went to the concert, and I was curious about Melody Green because I couldn’t believe that it had been about three to six months since she had lost her husband and two children. I wondered how she could share this and talk about the Lord after she’s gone through that and must still be hurting so much. That pulled at my heart the whole time when she was talking; I was thinking, “Wow, there’s something to this, you know?” That day, the Lord made me stand up because in my heart, when they were giving the alter call, in my heart, I was struggling and didn’t want to stand up because my mom’s going to be crying and all over me and everything–That’s what was in my head. Still, my heart was pounding, and I knew God was calling. I’ve always said that it must have been an angel that came over there and stood me up because the next thing I knew, I was standing up. After I gave my life to Christ, I went to the back, and they gave me information and the Lord took me from that point and took me to different churches and different friends that I would meet—He helped me to mature along the way. 

Your testimony is about the goodness of God, and you have gone through so many things. What are some things that you have gone through?

Well, some things were from my life choices, and others were just like—everybody has those things. We all go through hard times. But I was pregnant and unmarried at sixteen and had my daughter Erica, and soon after, I got pregnant again and, unfortunately, had an abortion and married her father. It was not a good relationship and was abusive many times, and our marriage didn’t last long. We got divorced, and I was a single mom for seven years, so those were tough times, and then the Lord brought me my husband, Stanley.

When I was a single mom, I had a wonderful couple who took me under their wing, and Esther picked me out of the crowd at church. I don’t know if they saw me coming in with my two kids or what, but she was always good at listening to the Lord. He must have sent her because she and her husband were incredible to me. Esther found a nursing school in Norristown, PA, for licensed practical nursing to start and see what God does. I called the nursing school and was told that they had a waiting list, and eight people were on it, but they said they would call me when a spot was available. Not even a week later, she called me—that was the Lord. The next hurdle was how to pay for it because I was on welfare at the time as a single mom. The director said, “I think there’s a program for single mothers to get educated,” she encouraged me to talk to my caseworker, and she gave me the program’s name and got me approved for it. It was the Lord because it paid for everything, allowing me to continue my education and become a registered nurse. I went to Montgomery County and completed the program; the program paid for everything, including my gas and daycare. It was the Lord’s hand in that whole thing to take care of me and watch over me—His goodness.

When I went to college later on to become a registered nurse, Esther and her husband would have me over for dinner once per week and make me go upstairs and take a nap, and when I woke up, we would have dinner together. They would pray over me, read the Word, do some little devotion or something, and then send me on my way home to get the kids. Her husband would change the oil in my car and even taught me stuff like that. They were a blessing in my life, and then there were so many other people in the church I was going to where Andy and Esther went; the church came alongside me, and there was a mechanic at the church who would fix my car and inspect it for nothing. That’s all God’s hand; He cared for me and His goodness. 

I met my husband, Stan, when we were around thirty-two, and I had two children—my daughter Erica and my son Jared. So I was single all that time and met Stan at a Christian coffeehouse, and we were both on staff there, and God started working on our hearts, and it was three months later we were married—we just knew He wanted us together and it was something divine. We then had four children together and have been through many painful things together. It was hard at first as a blended family to mesh everything together, and there were some areas we needed to work out with my outside family, too; there were issues we needed to work out. 

Doctors diagnosed my husband with a muscle autoimmune disease about ten years into our marriage. He’s a carpenter, and suddenly, he started noticing he was feeling weak and exhausted and would lose his balance sometimes. He’s been under treatment for that and stable for about twenty years now. Later in our marriage, doctors diagnosed Stan with prostate cancer, and in 2008, doctors diagnosed me with pancreatic cancer—a neuroendocrine tumor. It’s a rare type of cancer, and it’s slow growing—it will never go away unless the Lord heals me, but it’s metastatic now, and it is active at this point but very slow growing. So I’m just under surveillance, and the doctors are watching. I’ve had different treatments over the years. We’ll see how it works out this time. 

I could see the Lord’s goodness through the body of Christ. So many people came alongside us when we were struggling with one diagnosis after the next. We had a growing family when Stan worked in the Carpenters Union. I remember 2008 was tough with the economy and the stock market dropping, and they didn’t have work at the union. The Carpenters Union laid him off for at least a year, forcing him to seek side work. This coincided with my cancer diagnosis, creating a troublesome time. All our medical costs were crazy, and I had a friend from high school who took it upon herself to organize a fundraiser for us. And it’s just like, you know, all those people coming around us and helping us. A few people gave my kids Christmas that year because we didn’t have money from work, and we would get anonymous checks in the mail, cash in an envelope, and groceries at the door. 

How do we look for the Lord’s goodness?

Sometimes, when hard things happen to you, you may tend to lean into self-pity or depression–actually, if you stay in self-pity–it will lead to depression, and then nothing good’s going to happen after that. You have to look for the Lord’s goodness in your life. Something that Esther taught me, and I used to listen to Elizabeth Elliott on the radio all the time, too, and she would always say, Go and help someone else. When you’re in a bad spot, help someone else. And I would do that, and it was such a blessing to help others—I would get blessed, but that’s God’s economy. We lay down our life like He laid down His life for us. 

Another way that the Lord brought goodness out of all the hard things, even with my abortion. I wanted to mention that in case you are out there who have had abortions and you’re keeping that secret or are in pain. I volunteered at Genesis Women’s Clinic in Pottstown, PA two years ago. God allowed me to take this horrible thing and be able to share and encourage these women that they don’t have to do this—you will regret it, and it’s an awful thing to have on your conscience. He also allowed me to run into others—even some relatives that I found out later had an abortion and some of my good friends—to let them know about the forgiveness of God. The Lord washes us white as snow when we confess our sins. And 1 John 1:9 says, He’s faithful and to cleanse us from all iniquity. When we confess our sins to Him, we’re whiter than snow, so we no longer need to carry that burden. And the Lord just always reminds me of that; even if there’s a little thought that comes into my mind about guilt—looking back at the guilt of that, the Lord has washed me clean from that, but the goodness of God is that He allows me to encourage others that you can have that forgiveness too. 

May you share about the women’s Bible studies Delighting in the Lord?

I believe they meet on Thursdays at the church and on Thursday evenings, and I think a couple of groups for working women. Still, Brenda Harris and Stacy Davis write these studies, and what I appreciated about it when I first learned about the studies when I first came to Calvary Chapel, Chester Springs, PA, after they wrote the Bible studies, was that elders and pastors go over them to make sure that they’re biblically sound. So, it was essential to me that the elders overlooked that. I’ve enjoyed everyone I’ve done so far, and I’m currently the co-facilitator with another person in our groups, so I couldn’t encourage you more to come out to that. So, we had a lesson and broke into small groups to do our homework. They’re all available on Amazon, or you can go to the Calvary Chapel, Chester Springs website and download them, print them out, and watch the simulcast from there. So, if you’re not in Pennsylvania, you can still watch them, and it’s free. Their Facebook page has their media outlets and past lessons on Google and Apple Podcasts, and you can find them on YouTube, too. 

Is there anything else God is putting on your heart to encourage others?

Do not be ashamed of your testimony. I had been ashamed of some parts of my testimony, especially about the abortion or being a single mom pregnant out of wedlock when I was younger. I felt like I was not a good enough Christian, but the Lord reminded me that He forgave and washed me and wants me to share my story to encourage others. If you have shame as I did, please give that to the Lord–it’s not Him–Satan wants us to be ashamed of who we are or what we’ve gone through, and God loves us just the way we are.  

Purchase Delighting in the Lord Women's Bible Study Workbooks on Amazon

Noemi Padilla

Nurse and Client Support Specialist with

And Then There Were None (ATTWN)

These are the scriptures that have spoken deeply to Noemi's heart and the resources that she shared. 

Noemi shared her testimony on Truth, Talk & Testimonies

Noemi, please share your testimony. You told me that you were a Christian but backslid. Can you tell me what happened?

I grew up in a very Christian family—I like to say I’ve been a Christian since I was six months old. We left Puerto Rico and came to the United States, and my entire family attended the same church. I grew up there and formed lifelong friendships with friends who shared my cribs in the nursery. So, I had a strong Christian upbringing.

My Christianity—my religion and my life—were two separate things growing up. Again, my grandmother planted amazing seeds, teaching us to count on and trust God. Despite being raised in the church, I had a tumultuous upbringing. I used to think that anybody who was a Christian or member of a church was perfect, but God is the only perfect one, and we’re all sinners. Churches are hospitals for sinners. Unfortunately, there was abuse on multiple levels, even within the church. Growing up in this environment made me angry. If someone is dealing with this in every aspect of their life, told God is good, you begin to question where God is during all this horrible stuff. There was physical abuse, there was sexual abuse, drugs, and alcoholism. There was so much. Thankfully, I was never angry at God.

When I was old enough to make my own decisions, I was making terrible choices instead of making wise decisions, and I became sexually active and promiscuous. During my backslidden years, I believed in God, but I was trying to survive. Amidst everything, I got pregnant at seventeen. Getting pregnant was a big fork in the road as I was about to graduate high school and attend college. For me, the only way out of my upbringing and life living in the ghetto was an excellent education, and this was always super important to me. Despite having terrible attendance, I managed to maintain straight A’s in my studies. I remember I found out a month and a half before my high school graduation and found out on a fluke because I wasn’t even in tune with my body. One morning, after eating two scrambled eggs, I fell gravely ill. I shared my pregnancy news, and my friend suggested I schedule an abortion. That’s how casual and the norm it is—you get pregnant, and the solution is to have an abortion. 

We got a hold of a pregnancy test, and I was pregnant—she wasn’t wrong. From there, I embarked on this mission to get an abortion. I was underage at seventeen, so I took my own Medicaid card from my mom’s bag because I dared not ask her, “Hey, Mom—can I have my insurance card to have an abortion?”. So I grabbed my card and took a bus to the abortion clinic—I remember the location of the abortion clinic—I remember that it was on the 5th floor, and when I got there, somebody took some blood work and some urine. A while later, she comes to me and says, “You’re seventeen, and you’re pregnant with twins—it’s a twin pregnancy.”. At that moment, I felt disconnected from everything and asked, “What did that mean?“ Is it still possible to perform the procedure today?” She responded that it could be done, but it will be more money. I didn’t care if it cost more because I wasn’t paying for it. After all, they put the charge on my insurance card back then. They charged my insurance, and not once did they ask if my legal guardian was there since I was underage. A little while later, she returned to tell me that I was very far along and in the second trimester of pregnancy. Again, I asked, does this mean we can’t do this today? She responded, We can. Nothing was sinking in because, at this point, I was in survival mode. I was trying to come to terms with everything—it was either having babies and getting married and going through another cycle, another generation of this. I pictured having the abortion as a breakaway to go to college and do the best that I can do.

They did the procedure, and I don’t remember much after that other than when I woke up; they said that I was screaming, but you have to get up and go home now. And so, I said okay, and then they asked if somebody was there to pick me up, and I lied and said, “Yeah, my boyfriend is downstairs.”. They responded, “Okay, goodbye,” and gave me some antibiotics. I hobbled to the bus to go back home and remembered that I had almost made it all the way home, but I became sick around four blocks from where I needed to get off the bus. Now, as a nurse, I know that’s the anesthesia and the motion sickness. When I got off the bus, which happened to be in front of my dad’s job, I started throwing up. Somebody told him that his daughter was across the street and she was sick. When my dad walked across the street, I remember panicking, and he asked what was wrong with me. I told him that I must have a stomach flu. He told me to stop it and walk home, which I did. I can’t even tell you that I took the pills they gave me—I boxed my abortion up, put it away, and graduated high school. I went to college and thought I was living a good life, but I was making horrible decisions. 

Was it after college that you started your nursing career?

Yes, I went to college, graduated from nursing school, and started my nursing career. I remember that my first nursing job was at this well-to-do and posh hospital in the Bronx, and supplies were plentiful, so it was a good nursing experience. I did that for about 8 years, and then I went to a city hospital because I wanted to experience both sides, so I went into community medicine at a city hospital and got to see the other side of nursing where you were struggling to keep your patients alive and enjoyed this experience so much more because I felt like I was giving back to my community and felt what nursing is all about. Fast forward–911 happened, and I didn’t want to live in the city anymore, so I moved out to Florida, which was one block away from the abortion clinic where I worked, so I knew very well what was being done there. Still, it didn't bother me because I had an abortion myself, and I was extremely pro-choice at that time. The way I perceived it was that my abortion saved my life when I was seventeen, so I want to go in there and help woman–I want to help save their lives and give them what was given to me, and I think that it’s a key point because one of our phrases that we like to share a lot is that no one grows up wanting to work in an abortion clinic. For instance, in my nursing school and clinical, we were excited to do OB, and no one said, “Yes, let me go work at an abortion clinic.” 

I wanted to give back and help women, and it was super convenient for me because it was a block away from where I lived, and I could walk to work if I wanted. As a former New Yorker, I didn’t have a driver's license at the time–it was like the perfect picture of everything. So I walked in one day after getting off my night shift at my previous job and asked the girl at the front desk if they were hiring. They asked what I do, and I told them that I was a nurse, so they got the executive director. She asked if I had time to interview her immediately because she needed a nurse. We went into a room to talk, and she said I would be a great fit there. From the beginning, she uplifted me, and I’m a former New Yorker–don’t schmooze me, you know. She saw it wasn’t working for me, so she said, “Let me introduce you to our doctor, a New York transplant. She's a former New Yorker.” I said fine, so she introduced me to her, and immediately we meshed–there were many connections. We discovered that we ate Chinese food in the same circle, worked at the same hospital, and had the same work ethic. The next thing you know, I was told that working there would be a good fit, and I thought so.

Then, I was asked if I could start that day because they needed me. I said no because I told her I smelled–I was working at the jail, and jails have a distinct smell because they have a closed ventilation system. I picked up on the nonverbal communication between them, which I came to learn about quickly. And she goes, “Well, you know, we'll offer you a $500 sign-on bonus if you can start right now.” They see where the need is and how they can grasp you, and they see that that would get me. Who doesn’t like $500 dollars? In my mind, I said this is a piece of cake, and $500 dollars can’t hurt. The executive director then took out $500 and paid me–I didn’t even need to wait before the shift was over. About a couple of hours into the shift, I noticed that the support staff was very excited I asked them what they were excited about, and they said that they met the quota and they were going to get lunch that day and if we saw two more patients, we’re going to get the good lunch. I asked them what they were talking about, and they shared that every time we see 12 patients, they buy lunch for us, and if we see 24 patients, we get to get Chinese food instead of pizza or sandwiches. And I'm like, OK, so a little while later, they came up to me and said they would get Chinese food, and what did I want? That didn't seem right to me, so I told them no–I’m okay. The doctor then insisted I get something because I was there all day and needed to eat something. And that’s how they pull you in further. Then, I took out my cell phone which was pretty old, and the doctor noticed and said, “Girl, that phone is ancient. You cannot have that phone to represent us. We'll get you a new phone”. 

Now, let’s look at the whole picture–I got a $500 sign-on bonus, and I was told that every day, if we met the quota, we got free lunch, they were going to buy me a new phone, work was close to home, I could help women–I should’ve caught on quickly, that this was out of the norm. You don't go into any job or hospital and have all these things given to you, but we don't think that clearly when you're being given all these gifts or when you're being given $500 on the spot. So, I started my four years there, and this was just an indication of what life would be like there, in a short amount of time, it was me saying to the support staff–Hold on, you're having a bad day, let's get some dessert or, you know, just everything was compensated–we fixed it–whatever it took to keep the flow and keep the peace and the patients circulating. 

About two months later, they told me I was ready to learn about the sonogram room. I’ve been a nurse for a long time but haven't attended sonography school. They told me that they were going to teach me, and the owner at the time told me she was going to take me under her wing. I thought she must have gone to sonogram school, but she didn’t even have medical assistance credentialing. Yet, she performed the sonograms and taught others how to perform sonograms.

But again, that evil part of us gets uplifted quickly, and they say you can do this, and before you know it, it becomes a challenge for me. I had to perfect sonograms, which became my next milestone. I kept doing sonograms until they were terrific, and I began getting kudos. I got a new Michael Kors bag, and the doctors were so happy with me, and all was well. But throughout all this, we're still performing abortions–We're still treating women horribly–and still an assembly line. Then, the executive director had an accident; she fell, and she got hurt and was going to be out for a long time. The owner called me, saying, “I have a job offer for you. Do you want to be the interim executive director? Because you can do this. You're the only one who can run this clinic.” I responded, “Absolutely not.” I have no desire to do anything other than nursing. And then she said, “Well, it comes with a big pay raise.” Once I heard about the salary, I changed my mind and told her I would do it. I clarified that I had free range to make decisions, and she said yes. So, I thought this was a good opportunity to fix some of the problems we had going on to give better patient care, have the young ladies in a medical professional environment, and, you know, things like that. Well, she fought me every step of the way. Anything that created a wave in her flow was an issue.

Throughout this, I had to hire several young ladies, which I did, and after about two years, I knew I couldn't do this anymore. It was horrendous. But I felt responsible for these young ladies that I had hired, and I had also seen when somebody left the abortion industry, how they get blacklisted and shunned worse than the Amish. It’s a cult-like environment. This family they claim to be so that we can all isolate and deal with each other. You become enemy number one when you have an opinion or step out of that circle. So, I felt responsible for these young ladies, and I told them I didn’t know how long I would be there, but if they wanted out to go talk to the crazy people on the sidewalk and see what they were about. Those were our sidewalk advocates for life and Abby Johnson’s ministry, And Then There Were None, and all prayer warriors were represented. I told them that I would give them good recommendations and see how they could help you out, and then they started quitting one by one like dominoes and having successful encounters with And Then There Were None. They were excited, genuinely cared for, and learned they were real and not horrible. 

We were in that process for about two years, and finally, one morning, I woke up and was so weary. While putting on my uniform, I said, “I couldn’t do this anymore.” Then I heard a voice say, “You don’t have to do this; you can quit.” I started to rationalize. They wouldn't have a nurse if I didn’t go to work. And then, I heard the voice again say, “You can just quit.” I knew it was God speaking to me, and it was the sign I needed, so I told Him I would quit. I called the doctor first and told him I was quitting today, and she said, “Here we go, What do you need? A Michael Kors bag, a few days off?” She wasn't a horrible person. She was just trying to please me in what I was possibly disgruntled over. Regardless of our credentials, we were all in the same cult-like environment. So I said no, I'm going to quit. She goes, all right, just come into the office, and we'll talk. So I got to the office and said, here’s the keys to your kingdom–I don’t want them anymore. The owner took the keys and said, “You’ll be back.” And I responded, “I would not be back”. It became a really bad interaction, but I grabbed my stethoscope and the magazine on my desk and walked away. 

I called my brother and asked him if we could go to the beach. He thought I was having a nervous breakdown, I said, no, let's just go to the beach. I sat at the shoreline by the water's edge and cried for eight hours. Every once in a while, my brother came to give me water and a sandwich. I begged God for forgiveness, and I remember telling Him I wasn’t worthy of this, and I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing tomorrow but knew what I couldn’t do today. And then, I called And Then There Were None, and it was such a beautiful thing because I remember that initial phone call so clearly. I said, “Hey, this is me, I'm from Tampa, Florida.” The person responded, “Wait a minute–Purple building on Fletcher Avenue. You?” 

My old abortion clinic was distinctively painted purple on purpose so that we could describe it to the patients–it’s the purple building–you can't miss us. So I said yes, that's me. And he said, “We have been praying for you for years.” God sent me the sign; I was now with the right people because they didn’t know me, but they knew me, had been praying for me, and weren’t holding anything against me. I felt instant peace. Abby Johnson’s ministry, And Then There Were None, is focused on ex-abortion workers in any way, shape, or form–It could be medical, it could be clerical, it could be male or female–We have male participants, we have had people who have, reached out to us who have picked up specimens from the abortion clinic. So, it's anyone who is in any way, shape, or form affiliated with or affected by an abortion clinic. 

In my personal redemption path, I trusted my God-seeds, planted so firmly that I trusted them, and knew that he forgave me. That part was so much easier for me than for me to forgive myself. I had already accepted His love. I knew I was redeemed, but I was still knocking myself, wondering how I did what I did, and I was stuck in that phase for a while. It’s a process–Not that you quit, and that’s it. You quit, and then we have different stages of healing, such as Healing Foundations 101 for those who have quit recently, and that’s our accountability weekend, where you have to come to terms with things. I used to say, “They did that”. I was saying this even though I no longer work there, and I’m separated from them. At my first healing retreat, I said this a few times. I said, “Wait a minute, I am they and took responsibility in this safe zone for it and completely broke down. I needed to come to terms with the fact that I participated in over 5,000 abortions. 

When we come to terms with I participated in over 5000 abortions, you know, when we lovingly go through this process where we try and put a number together–Not that it matters because life is life, but it's part of our healing process, and it’s way better for me to go through that with a group of women who are there loving me unconditionally then for me to go through that alone at 1:00 am so they understand. There’s a place for abortion workers to come safely where it's going to be nonjudgmental and unconditional–I promise you that nothing that they say that they've done has been said or done before. We're a unique group, and they can't shock us. The reason why I put my dirty laundry out there and wrongdoings and speak publicly is because if one person in the industry hears or sees a sister to someone who works in an abortion clinic–for me, it was my brother who was a chaplain who prayed for me every day when I was working there. He would call me, saying, “I’m praying for you.” We didn’t have any other conversation other than that for four years, and somebody else can hear it and say, wait, I want to pass this information forward to somebody who works in the abortion industry. 

The devil wants to keep you isolated and keep you having a facade. There is truth, light, and happiness in the world. Put the work in for your healing, and you can laugh and smile again–We do. 

Is there any other encouragement you can give to people?

Please contact any of the ministries mentioned if you are touched by any part of my testimony or anything you heard. And Then There Were None is super vital to both current and ex-abortion workers–we don’t care if you worked in an abortion clinic 25-30 years ago and never had healing because we know what it’s like to carry that burden. So please, any affiliation that you've ever had with any abortion clinic, reach out to us, it doesn't hurt. It's one phone call. You can text if you don't like what you hear, which hasn’t happened yet, but you don’t have to follow through. There’s help out there, and there’s a whole tribe waiting to love you unconditionally and help you get another smile on your face because we know how hard it is to look at ourselves in the mirror and smile. 

Abby Johnson, CEO + Founder

And Then There Were None (ATTWN)

****Text or call (888) 570-5501 to get started on the path to freedom outside the abortion industry**** 

Oasis Pregnancy Care Centers -- Five locations in Florida

Patsy Hahn

  Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

  And lean not on your own understanding;

  In all your ways acknowledge Him,

  And He shall direct your paths.

 Proverbs 3:5-6

Patsy shared her testimony on a Truth, Talk & Testimonies

Patsy retired, but what did you use to do?

I’ve been retired for over two years, but for 12 years before that, I owned a store in Boyertown called Patty’s Pot-pourri of Gifts. I ensured all items, including the paper bags, were made in the U.S.A. It was fun. I am retired, but I need to be retired from being retired because I’m so busy. 

How long were you married, and what happened? 

Garth and I were married for 24 years and two months. My husband was a logger, which is a lumberjack, and he went to work one morning and went into the woods alone; a huge limb from a tree from behind hit him, and he passed away immediately. 

Everyone processes grief differently, but what did you say to me that you went from shock to faith mode? What is faith mode to you? It was a shock for several months—I kept moving forward, but it was a shock, and that’s what usually happens when you lose your spouse suddenly. He left that morning; I kissed him goodbye, said we loved each other, had a little joke, and he would usually call me at lunchtime. I got a phone call at about 12:30 pm, thinking it was my husband, but his trucker found him in the woods. And he did that because as soon as it happened, they had to call the police; therefore, reporters were out, and he didn’t want me to see or hear the news on TV. They were close friends for 21 years, so it was hard.

Did you have support from your church family during this time?

Garth and I were going to church in Hamburg, PA, which was 45 minutes from our house, so they were as supportive as possible because they weren’t around the corner. Hence, it’s not like they could bring meals, although they probably could have brought me meals to church because I never missed a beat, but it was okay because they ministered to me in different ways. I had a close bond with girlfriends and family that took me in and carried me—the Lord carried me, but the Lord used them to stay with me because I lived alone in the woods—they did a lot to help me.

Patsy went from shock to face mode. What did faith mode look like to you? Can you explain?

I can explain it, but I can’t tell you what it looks like. For you, what was faith mode? I always had faith. When my husband passed, I was saved for 36 years—I got saved at the age of 25 and got married at 37, so I always had faith in Jesus Christ—He was and is my Savior—I can’t even explain it, but probably because of my personality; and everybody’s personalities are different, but I have a strong personality. So, therefore, I just took hold and went through the motions of what I had to do, and then a couple of months later, I just went into faith mode.

I trusted the Lord for everything, which I still do. I don’t worry about anything; I take it to the Lord, making my life easy. I always tell people I didn’t get this gray hair from worrying, so I fell deeper in love with the Lord, and I cried out to Him and never once asked Him why, Lord, why did you do this? I lost several family members, my mother, my father, my brother, and my sister, and I never did because, to me, when you ask why—for me, this is my conviction—you’re asking the Lord why and not trusting Him to know the plan—it’s all about the trust for me. Jeremiah 29:11 says that He has a plan for us, so I trusted Him, and years ago, when I was single, a godly woman shared with me that the Lord is your husband and will meet your every need, and I never forgot that, so when my husband died, I said, “Okay, Lord, you’re my husband again. You were on sabbatical. Now, here we are again.” This was faith mode for me. 

Can you explain how faith and trust are different? 

Faith, for me, is believing. For instance, when you accept Christ into your life, you believe. Trust, to me, is when you believe and have given Him your whole life, and you trust Him to orchestrate your whole life because He has a plan, and you trust Him and that His plan is the right plan. You don’t question Him; you go with it—the bad, the good, and the ugly—and there’s all that in life. 

Now, a group for widows started at Berean Bible Church. Can you share about this group? 

Well, before I do, I would like to share that after my husband passed away, I felt a tug to come alongside other widows. I still had my store. I would have people come in and have the opportunity to talk with them, and some would share that they recently lost their husbands, so I would speak with them. So, at first, I started to do this independently, as I felt like the Lord was calling me to do that, and that went on for a year or two. Then, I went back to Berean Bible Church because my husband and I attended there for 13 years, and when I got there, I started to minister because there were a lot of widows there that I knew for years that weren’t widows when I knew them back then, and so I independently did that. A woman in our church started the group. Still, I felt I needed to challenge her because she wasn’t a widow, so I asked her how she could run the group when she wasn’t a widow because a widow has needs that nobody knows about, and you can’t understand how you can’t understand how you lose your husband unless you’ve lost them. She’s such a godly woman that she realized that and asked me if I would be willing to take it over, and I said I would and I have somebody who helps me—another widow—and that’s what we’re doing, ministering to the widows. 

What’s the name of the group? 

The name of the church group is Hope Builders at Berean Bible Church in Pottstown, PA. I try to plan something every month and it’s always a surprise because we need this in our lives.

Before the broadcast, you share something special about your wedding ring which is connected to one of your favorite scriptures. Where did you put this scripture? 

Yes, the scripture is from Proverbs 31:11-12 

“The heart of her husband safely trusts her; 

So he will have no lack of gain. 

She does him good and not evil 

All the days of her life.”

I had this scripture engraved on my husband’s wedding band and that is now a necklace. I took it to the jeweler and had it made into a heart. Then, I had his mother’s wedding ring and put her diamond in the middle of it so I could have it close to my heart. That was very important to me, and I feel like the Lord allowed me to do that. 

Another one of your favorite scriptures is Proverbs 3:5

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths.”

That’s my life verse for 44 years. I trust in the Lord and know He has a plan for me. 

Do you have anything else the Holy Spirit is leading you to share to encourage others?

Yes, I have a couple of things. When my husband passed, I felt like I had a hole in my heart—that’s exactly how I felt when I went to the doctor a couple of months later; he asked me how I was doing. He also asked, “How’s your heart doing?” He didn’t know that I had lost my husband. So, I said to him, “It’s fine except for the hole in my heart.” He was thinking I meant physically, and I was talking mentally. So, over the years, I have seen God fill this pain in my heart with many blessings and opportunities to serve Him. My whole thing is that you can grieve—it’s natural to grieve—but not to wallow. Wallowing creates self-pity, and Satan loves that. Don’t let anything rob you of your joy—be positive. My husband will be gone 8 years this month—I still miss him—and I still love him. I still cry sometimes if something sets me off, but I’m going on because I tell all the windows that I speak to, they’re gone, they’re not coming back, so the Lord doesn’t want you to wallow—He wants you to go on and trust him—He has, he still has life for you and a plan for you. Cry if needed because it cleanses the soul, but don’t let anyone steal your joy. Minister to others; do things for others to shift your focus from self-pity. Give to others. When my husband passed, I didn’t want people to say, “Look at her, she trusted the Lord all those years, and then He took her husband—I wanted them to say, ‘Look at her, the Lord took her husband, and she still trusts Him.” And I want God to get the glory for this. Happiness is a choice; sometimes, we must choose it every day. Believers in Christ who lose their spouses have so many blessings. Just the fact that they have peace knowing that they’re going to see their loved ones again and peace has a big part in the grieving process. I thank God for everything. When someone says, “Oh, you lost your husband, I say, You know what? I had a wonderful husband—a wonderful life and marriage, and I thank God. I was married for only 24 years—I would say we were still on our honeymoon, but I’m blessed and thankful for everything. I have seen such a change in my life since my husband passed. God has given me things I’ve never had before, such as wisdom, grace, and more compassion, and I love my church, the people in it, and the good preaching. 

Wake up every morning and thank the Lord. I always prayed in the morning to keep my husband safe spiritually, mentally, and physically. Now, I wake up and say thank you for letting me wake up another day. We take that for granted. One day, we’re here, and then we’re not. When I wake up and make my coffee and haven’t thanked the Lord yet, I stop and say, “Lord, thank you; lead me today. Don’t let me lead you—you lead me.” If someone calls and they’re crying–that’s the agenda for the day. Be joyful and grieve as much as you need to, and the hurt of grieving will go away over time. It’s been 8 years for me. Some widows in our group have been widows for 20-30 years, and you see the difference over the years. Seasoned by experience, they’ve come to accept this as their life. Think positive and trust the Lord—we don’t know what He has planned. Trust in Him. We have hope that we’re going to see our loved ones again. 

Berean Bible Church 

Hope Builders Ministry (giving people hope after losing a spouse)

2675 High Street

Pottstown, PA 19464

Church Website: https://bereanbiblefamily.org/

Church Phone Number: 610-326-8794

Cindy Rosenthal

Health Services Administrator and Author

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

"So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten," Joel 2:25

Cindy shared her story on a VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies broadcast.

May you share about your childhood and the process you went through to go from being a survivor to thriving? 

I grew up in a difficult household environment. My parents were highly abusive, and my father was a man of violence. At a very young age, I witnessed his violence toward my mother. I remember when I was 5 years old; we lived in an apartment and I watched him nearly take my mother’s life by strangling her in front of the window. Thankfully, he let her go. 

This is the history of my parents’ relationship until they separated for the last time when I was about 8 years old. My father was physically and verbally abusive to me throughout most of my life. I was 8 when they got divorced, but unfortunately, my mother learned from my father and abused me the same way. Growing up in that atmosphere was difficult, but after a while, I learned not to feel anything and that’s what I did, so when my father hit me, I was told that I didn’t have any reason to cry about it and I brought it upon myself. When my mother hit me, I tried to think of something else so that I wouldn’t feel what she did. My legs were covered in welts and I suffered from bloody noses which caused me great pain. As time passed, I came to accept it, and my grandparents became the only thing that brought me happiness in my upbringing.

I don’t remember a lot about my teenage years; I don’t have any memory of it because I believe it was God’s protection. He shut my memories off and took them away from me, so over the years of 13–17, I don’t have many memories of those years growing up. I only have fragments of memory and not much else. It was a response to trauma to preserve oneself. 

My grandparents brought me so much joy during those years until I turned 15. My grandmother used to pick me up after school every Friday and we would spend the entire weekend together at their house until she got sick. It was a special time together and I will always be thankful to her. We were very close, and to this day, there are things my grandmother told me that I never repeated to anybody because we had that kind of relationship. She was my saving grace. 

What is the importance of allowing the Lord to heal us and make us whole? Can you share your process of becoming that thriver?

It was a long process for me, but it all started at 16 when I decided to turn off my emotions. I think that was the only way I could make it through everything happening in my life. I was at a loss after my grandmother’s passing and shut down as a result. The continuous abuse from my mother and the overwhelming unhappiness led me to shut down for approximately 8 years until the Lord intervened in my life at 24.

When the Lord came into my life, I felt God say to me that it was time to tune my emotions back on and to start to feel again. A lot of people feel such joy, and for me, there was a lot of pain that I needed to come to terms with, so I started a journey of healing, and my dear friend Goldie helped me tremendously.

About 6 months after I accepted the Lord, I started to work with Goldie. The interesting thing is that through all the pain I faced growing up, this was the first time that somebody said to me, “Cindy, you are allowed to feel,” so for me, this was the beginning of the journey of feeling and coming to terms with what happened and starting to accept what happened during my childhood. This was the beginning of my healing process, and it continued for years. I will never forget it. Goldie brought in a Rabbi one night to pray for me, and this Rabbi prayed and spoke with me for over 4 hours and helped me with prayers of deliverance to where I could move on with my life and I could say, Okay, it’s safe for me to feel anything I want to feel and shed tears because it’s okay—there’s nothing wrong with shedding tears—there’s nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel so for me, at that point; this is when I started my healing journey. So when you go through this, there are so many levels, and for many years I went through allowing myself to heal—allowing myself to feel pain—allowing myself to say, Okay God, you’re coming into my life now. I now have you and you’re going to heal me. You’re going to give me things that I’ve never had in my life before. Through this process, God did so much work in my life. I can’t say that it’s all been easy because it hasn’t. I spent 14 years at the congregation where that journey started and then God took me out of that congregation and brought two people and other people in my life who weren’t at that congregation. I met a Rabbi and his wife in the beginning of my healing up in Albany, New York, who became parents to me, who became a mother and a father to me that I never had and this was what God did for me because the scripture says that God’s going to restore what the locust has eaten—God did that. So God gave me parents at an age that I needed them, so they also helped me and I started going up to Albany every 6–8 weeks and God used them. That’s when I started using the scripture Jeremiah 29:11 in my life. “For I know the thought that I think toward you, says the Lord, thought of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope,” and through that process, God gave me a future and a hope because I ended up in Albany, NY, 14 years later for another journey. Healing is a process—it’s not something that’s going to happen overnight; it didn’t happen overnight—it didn’t happen overnight for me, but if you stay with the process, God heals us. He heals us physically and emotionally because that’s what He promises us, so I held onto that promise that God would heal me and then God started the next part of my journey when I moved to Albany and He used my spiritual parents to help me through the next part of that journey and that’s where I spent the next almost 18 years. It’s still a process because I still go through it—I’m still on that journey because that journey continues as I moved to Florida 3 ½ years ago and the next part of my healing journey started—God never leaves us or forsakes us, but it’s a process and that’s the important thing. 

While in Florida, God did a huge deliverance. I went to a meeting one night when I was in despair and received prayer—it was such a powerful night that I walked in despair and when I left, Goldie looked at me and said, “You are a different person—your countenance has changed; you look different and from that night I realized God did a work in me. That night, God started the next part of the journey of healing, so it’s a process because with a lot of healing, you need to go through and as you go through the process, you see how the Lord does the work. It’s important that you allow God to do the work and see how He moves in your life—you see how God is working and what He has for you because through this process, there have been terrible times in my life, but I also see what the Lord has done in my life, and that’s what I hold on to more than the terrible times as a child and adult as a woman of God where you have to trust God even through the hardest times—you hold on to what God says and God has a plan for your life.

Cindy's story is written in the book Hope Alive: Debilitated to Exhilarated with God by Connie A. VanHorn--Ambassador Coordinator of Women World Leaders and Kimberly Ann Hobbs--President/Founder of Women World Leaders (World Publishing & Productions). 

Jayson Borawski

"So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten," Joel 2:25

Jayson shared his testimony on a VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies broadcast. 

These are the questions that I asked Jayson during his interview on the VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies YouTube channel, and what he shared. 

Jason, please share about your childhood and how your upbringing affected your life.

I’ll start by sharing that my father served in World War II, and he faced a lot of problems—he consumed alcohol before going to war, but he developed into a serious alcoholic.

My mom and I rode out to California, and when we came home to an empty house, it was extremely tough. We moved further out in Montgomery County, and while we were out there, my mother married for a second time, and that marriage only lasted two years—my stepdad had 5 children—we had 4 in a very crowded house. My stepdad would beat my mom, so I witnessed my mother getting beaten and my biological dad falling drunk. The person my mother married a third time was a gambler. My mom was a psychiatric nurse and practiced nursing for 20 years. 

When we lived in Montgomery County, PA, my brother went into the service, my one sister moved to New York City and my other sister, who is just 4 years older than me, was very close; she became a heroin addict. This was back in the 60s so there weren’t many addicts around back then—maybe 20 in the whole area—and I knew all 20 of them, so I watched them shoot up, and one time I was watching this guy, and he was rocking back and forth, saying, “I got to get straight.” And, I thought to myself, if he wanted to get messed up... Why does he want to get straight? Then, I realized when they were sitting in the apartment, a few people went down to Philadelphia to get the drugs, and they came back, and we would shoot up the drugs. When I saw him all disheveled and disoriented after the shot of heroin, suddenly his countenance changed, and it was fine again, and I thought to myself, “I got to get straight.” That influenced me profoundly watching the change come over him to where that evening, at 12 years old, I went directly to shooting up heroin. Before this, I was smoking marijuana. People say that heroin is better than sex—I thought it was better than life because I didn’t like my life and if it were going to end, I would be fine with that, so I went on to use heroin and various drugs—I didn’t have a lot of money, so I had to steal, and I wasn’t good at it back then, so by the time I was 18, I went to prison. I spent a little time in prison, and when I got there, I realized that there were a lot of things—a lot of different crimes—I learned and was back in 1972, so all I learned in prison was how to make friends with criminals and how to do crimes without getting caught. So after I got out, I became very sophisticated. I would go to the library and I would research different crimes I could do and look at how much time I would have to serve in prison to determine if it was worth it—I wasn’t going to do a crime unless I could make a lot of money, so I started to get involved with forgeries and prescription writing and calling in prescriptions, which made a tremendous amount of money. I don’t want to disclose that—the statute of limitations is up; I don’t want to encourage people to get involved with it. My heroin addiction got bad, and I started losing everything—the people I love were gone, I couldn’t trust anybody, and it wore on me—I got very tired of it after 10 years, so I finally quit, married a girl I met even though I wasn’t prepared at all for marriage, and she was an alcoholic and I was a drug addict. I started taking pills because they were easier to get. It was cheaper. I could get a prescription, and I could sell the pills for an extraordinary price. When I was in Philadelphia, there was a guy who was the number one drug dealer, and he was selling Codeine Syrup and Doriden—it was a sleeping pill and I told him, Why don’t we get the Codeine pills? From this, we invented the thing called Combos in Philadelphia. And that became famous among the heroin addicts. I took a different mixture—I took amphetamines and codeine. The Codeine was to kill the pain, and that made me feel like a god—or like Superman. I had more energy to do more crime, and it was just one thing after another. We would have runners to get the prescriptions I wrote, and for each $6 prescription, we would make several hundred dollars. I then started to get involved in Speed, and Philadelphia was the Speed capital of the world—all the Speed that came into the United States was hubbed in Philadelphia—on every street corner; you can get methamphetamine, and when there was a federal laboratory that was robbed, my company got the Speed—it was pure methamphetamine, and we had to cut it down several times; it was still very powerful, and a lot of it went out to California. So, I was doing various kinds of crimes, and when I got married, we did have a son, and I was proud about that and laid off shooting up for a while, but drank. From all the shooting up though, I had hepatitis A twice and hepatitis B, and actually at one time I had hepatitis A and B the same time, and what I didn’t realize was that I had hepatitis C as well in the latter years and went through the treatment at the time was Interferon. Things like this went on for about 20 years. In those years, I would be in and out of prison, and I left my wife and son because I was too out of control.

For a year, I became homeless, sold drugs while on the streets, and stayed at people’s places for shelter. The police and other people couldn’t find me. I finally got fed up with it, so I committed myself to the state hospital and told them I was going to take my life—I wasn’t going to—I just needed to get out of the whole drug scene. They put me in there, and that’s when I found out I had hepatitis A and B at the same time, so they sent me to the hospital and treated me there for a while, and then I went back to the state hospital. They told me that I couldn’t stay there because I wasn’t crazy and I had methamphetamine psychosis, so I asked them to send me to drug rehab because that’s what I truly needed, so they sent me to a place in Pottstown, PA for an 84-day treatment program. 

How did you overcome your addiction and give your life to Christ?

While there, the lady who cooked the meals was a born-again Christian. We would talk to each other because I did commit myself to Christ and believed for a while that I was saved, but then when I saw myself wired up on drugs, I realized that I wasn’t. One of my prayers whenever I thought I was going to overdose and before I passed out was, “Jesus, let me get saved before I die.” He did answer that prayer.  How did you break free from drug addiction and come to know Jesus? While I was at the treatment center in Pottstown, this lady would get all the people at the church to pray for somebody, and that February, she prayed for me. She had all the girls from the church send me cards and letters. I was very grateful for this. When I got out in March, my friend and I came across a church in Pottstown, so we went in. As I walked up to the church, I heard music playing, and when I opened the sanctuary doors, it was the first time I ever felt love. I gave my life to the Lord and began to attend this church, but I don’t know if I was saved right away because I was still possessed by demons. The way I found out was they had an inner healing ministry and they addressed the demons that were in me and I heard them speak and it was crazy. It was a horrifying experience. I remember feeling a heavy weight on top of me and I was on the floor and was laughing and doing crazy stuff, but one day, almost 2 years later—it took me 2 years to get off of the drugs—and I was sitting in a doctors office and I heard a still quiet voice in my head—it wasn’t audible, but I would run these thoughts in my head that I’m not good enough—there’s nothing good about you and putting myself down and I heard the Lord say, “You don’t need to feel this way anymore.” And then I felt the demons come off my skin—it was a very unusual feeling, and I knew they were demons leaving my body. After this moment, my mind became clear—I could think better, and it was then that I believed the Holy Spirit entered my body. The Lord cast out the demons and put the Holy Spirit in me and this is when I truly experience victory in my life. You can’t do it on your own. 

I got remarried, and in September we celebrated our 33rd anniversary—I call her my Proverbs 31 woman. I got involved with Calvary Chapel in 1991, went through a three-year ministry training course, and then became an acting associate pastor for 6 years. My wife and I had the time of our lives—we did so many ministries together. I have been so blessed—I have 3 children from my previous marriages and have 7 grandchildren; and my youngest son is getting married in October, so we’re going to have more grandchildren. I am blessed! 

Rob Weatherholtz

Director of Discipleship at Still Water's--The Potter's House Ministry

"And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose ." (Romans 8:28 BSB) 

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake." (Psalm 23:1-3) 

Rob shared his testimony on a VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies broadcast. 

Please consider, liking, sharing, and subscribing to the channel. Thank you!

These are the questions that I asked Rob during his interview on the VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies YouTube channel, and what he shared. 

May you share what the Lord has been doing in your life for the past 15 years? You shared with me that you saw Still Water’s Recovery Center—The Potter’s House Ministry—almost 20 years ago when you were in a prison cell. Can you share your life circumstances? Why did you need to go to prison and share the vision God showed you while you were there?

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family—my dad was a Korean War veteran. My mother was a beautician raised in a higher society atmosphere than my dad, so their relationship was like leather and lace getting together, and here I came. Still, there was a lot of dysfunction and violence in my family growing up that took root in my life negatively. When my dad left, I was young and started searching for meaning and direction in my life. Unfortunately, I began gravitating towards older guys in the community, which exposed me to drinking and alcohol at a young age. As life went on, I felt a lot of confusion about who I was, where I belonged, and why my family was not together. When I was younger, I had unresolved issues and nobody to guide me through healing, resulting in numerous bad choices that led to multiple DUIs and eventually landed me in Lancaster County Prison.

I was in Lancaster County Prison for a year, and during the ninth month, they put me on work release. Unfortunately, I was self-employed at the time as a contractor, so they wouldn’t let me go out to work unless I was working for somebody else. As a result, they kept me on the work release block for 3 months, but they didn’t allow me to go out and work. During this time, there were a lot of guys that went out to work, and the guy who was one of my cellmates came back from a job that he was working that day, and he brought back chewing tobacco, and that’s illegal in Lancaster County Prison. 

I was a model prisoner and worked in the warden’s office. When my cellmate came back from his job, I was in the office working, and the guards went through our cell and found chewing tobacco. Unfortunately, what happens in a scenario like this is that you both go into the hole—the “dungeon.” I was supposed to be down there for a month. While there, I needed to take a serious look at my life. I have been married before and had three beautiful children—Jacob, Joshua, and Jonathan—and my current amazing wife Beth and daughter Tisha. I had a good-sized construction business, and here I was going from being a member of the County Building Association to losing my family and ending up in prison, and I came to the end of myself when I was there. I got so desperate that I dropped to my knees and cried out to the Lord, “How can this possibly happen? How can I go from having a business to being prosperous, and end up losing my freedom? I’d rather die than go on like this—I have lost everything that meant anything to me! God, if you’re real, reveal yourself to me!" Suddenly, I experienced a sense of peace and witnessed an illumination in which I saw a cross. It was not a wooden cross, but rather a glowing one through which I could see upwards. When I looked up through it, I realized that I was in the Lord's presence. It was so amazing! There were murders, rapists, bank robbers—all kinds of foul stuff went on down there, and when I saw that, I started singing, and pure joy overcame me. All the demonic forces in the hole went silent, and peace came over the entire unit. It was so surreal that you could tell you were in the presence of something holy, and the Lord became very real to me at that moment. I will never forget that, and as a matter of fact, I share this experience in my book, A Raptured Heart. It was shortly after that they thought I had lost it, but I can tell you that I had my mental health restored right then and there. 

For the last month of my sentence, I went back up to the block, and while there, I was sitting reading my Bible. I read my Bible cover-to-cover twice in that year, and it became very, very real to me. I had a hunger and thirst for more of the Word of God. And all of a sudden, I had a vivid vision of a property my dad owned along the Conestoga River with buildings on it. I heard the Lord speak to my heart in a still, small voice, saying that one day, He was going to bring forth a healing center on this property. People will hear about Me from you, and they will experience a new level of freedom. They will be healed and delivered from addiction, which will then prepare them for their purpose. 

It was at this time in my life that I became born again. From then on, some amazing things started happening. A Chaplin named Bud Roda came to see me, and The Potter’s House Ministry released me. While there, I formed a friendship with Lloyd Hoover, the Executive Director and Founder of The Potter’s House. Over time, I left there for about 5 years and went to Virginia Beach for a great job to help pay the large amount of child support I needed to pay. A gentleman by the name of John Holly, who’s a retired Navy Seal, took me in, and he was a father figure to me. He helped me mature, grow up a lot, and man up to my responsibilities, and I was down there for several years. Today, John is helping those in recovery and doing outstanding work. He started a ministry called Seals In Recovery and helped me get to another level in the ability to do things, so when I went back to Pennsylvania, I started my business again and reconnected with Lloyd Hoover. At this time, I heard that small voice again, and that still small voice said, “Finish what I had started in you—finish the work that started in you.” In 2013, Lloyd invited me onto the Board of Directors of The Potter’s House Ministry. At this time, my father got ill, and I walked with him for the last three years of his life, from 2013 to 2016. In 2016, he got very sick, passed away, and left me the property that I saw in the vision. Suddenly, it was like this gigantic jigsaw puzzle in the sky coming together. I went to the Board of Directors and shared with them that I had a vision and that this place was going to be a healing center for the lost, broken, and addicted in this county, and I wanted to do what I could to see this through. I thought these guys were going to think I was crazy and laugh me out of the room, or they were going to say yes. The next thing you know is we prayed about it for 2 to 3 weeks, and one gentleman of the Board of Directors, John Wagner, his wife’s brother, is a consultant, and he came to talk to us about starting a capital campaign to raise 2 million dollars to build this facility and just a couple of years before, the Lord gave me the vision in a prison cell, and, all these pieces of this puzzle were coming together. Do you know how I know that this was God? Because it was never my plan for my life. I thought I would continue in construction until I got older and maybe move to Florida, but God had other plans for me, and He earmarked this property for this Still Waters Recovery Center. 

I partnered with The Potter’s House Ministry and the Board of Directors, and the entire community came alongside us, including the building community, suppliers, and the Amish. They all did an amazing job! Lloyd and I sat down and designed the houses, and after we designed them, we went to an architect and told him what we wanted—we had favor from God and favor from people. It amazed me because even the people on the township board supported us and embraced the idea. I was told by the surveyor that what we did it in 2 years; normally, it takes 5 to 10 years to get approved. So, we started raising funds in 2017, but by mid-2018, we had raised $850,000, obtained approval for all the permits, and initiated construction in April 2019. 

A heavy machine operator cleared fifty trees on the property to make way for the new center—it looked like a tornado came through the area. I would have never thought this beautiful facility would have come out of it in a million years. Praise the Lord! To this day, I can see God’s hand in every step—He had contractors, builders, architects, the township supervisors, and the water and sewer authority lined up. We encountered an issue with the well as it was not sufficiently deep and did not yield enough water. To address this, we hired a skilled driller who went down 500 feet and discovered an existing water source that could adequately supply more than enough water for the entire facility. It was nothing short of miraculous, and it set the stage for my life’s work as a Director of Discipleship at The Potter’s House Ministry. I’m also an associate pastor at Breakout Ministries in Leola, PA, and I have written two books. We have built a beautiful center for healing for those who are addicted. I’m also a volunteer chaplain at Lancaster County Prison to do interviews to bring people to the recovery center—the same prison that I was in—and I have recently obtained an addiction counseling degree, but mainly I’m a minister of the gospel; the one who set me free; He can set anyone free; for those the Lord has set free are free indeed.

Rob Weatherholtz is the Director of Discipleship at Still Water's--The Potter's House Ministry in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania area, and the author of two books--A Raptured Heart and The Believer's Warfare. For more information please visit their ministry site at https://thepottershouselancaster.com/

The vision that the Lord showed Rob in his prison cell was built and many lives are breaking free from addiction, being healed, and coming to Christ! (Overhead view of Still Waters Recovery Center/The Potter's House Ministry.)

 Rob’s book is available for purchase on Amazon, either as a Kindle ebook or in paperback. 

Click on the book covers to be brought to Rob's author page.  

Jesus Advantage

Pastor Rob is a Pastor of Addiction Recovery and Discipleship at Breakout Ministries. He and his wife Beth head up Jesus Advantage (JA) a Christian-based recovery meeting in Leola, PA. 

For more information, contact Pastor Rob or Beth Westherholtz @ JAbreakoutministries@gmail.com. 

Jane "Goldie" Winn

Author, Speaker, and Life Coach

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13 NASB) 

"You planned evil against me; God planned it for good to bring about the present result--the survival of many people." (Genesis 50:20 CSB)  

These are the questions that I asked Goldie during her interview on the VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies YouTube channel, and what she shared. Please consider, liking, sharing, and subscribing to the channel. Thank you! 

May you share your testimony? It’s very miraculous. I know it will help many people–It has and will continue to do so because of what God has done in your life. 

Yes, thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here tonight. I never know exactly where to start sharing my story, but I trust the Lord will give me His prompting on where to start. Maybe it’s a good idea to set the scene. I grew up in a Jewish family. Our parents raised us as conservative Jews, and I was born in Massachusetts. We lived in Florida for a little while when my father was a doctor. My father was the assistant superintendent of the VA Hospital in St. Petersburg, Florida. In 1958, he received an offer to go to Independence, Iowa, a tiny town of 5,000, where he became the superintendent of a huge state mental hospital. I remember pulling up to the hospital grounds and seeing all these bars on the windows–I was young, maybe in second or third grade. When we parked, my father got out of the car and said, “What have I done? All these bars are on the windows. My first decision is that I’m going to remove all those bars from the windows and make it more humane for these patients.” My father was an amazing visionary, and he believed in treating the mentally ill with dignity, as he used to say, but for the grace of God, there go I. 

My dad taught us from a young age to respect the mentally ill. There were 1,100 patients in the hospital and 500 employees. Growing up, our living quarters were sandwiched between patient wards in the main administration building of the hospital. The place I grew up in was intriguing, with a long winding staircase that linked the superintendent’s apartment to the main administration area. Every time my family went down that staircase, the staff would stand up to show their support and respect. The patients and staff held him in high regard as a patriarchal superintendent. It was interesting because he was very different behind closed doors. Behind closed doors, my father was emotionally and physically abusive, mostly to my older sister than me. My sister Esther is six years older than me, and Cathy, my younger sister, is five years younger. Despite this, it was mainly Esther who experienced the bulk of his anger, and we still don’t completely understand why. One of the theories is that in the Jewish religion, it’s always wonderful to have a son—Esther was the firstborn and wasn’t a son, but was a fighter, so when my father would approach her to beat her, she would fight back. However, I was the one who held the pain in the family and would become very depressed. I would keep the pain inside, and escape into the bathroom to take bubble baths for hours and read books like Nancy Drew and Bobbsey Twins because I didn’t know how to deal with the pain. It was also confusing to me that the world saw my father so differently than he was behind closed doors—It was hard to bridge those two worlds together. Also, we were one of the only Jewish families in the small town that we lived in. It was important to my parents to keep up our Jewish traditions, such as having Shabbat dinner and celebrating all the Jewish holidays, so we would drive 45 minutes every Friday night for Shabbat services to Waterloo, Iowa, where there was a conservative synagogue, which is the middle road—it’s not strict Orthodox and it’s not reform—so there was Hebrew spoken in the services and English as well. I remember not feeling happy in my childhood. I didn’t want to feel so different, and kids would make fun of me because I was Jewish and everyone in the town was Christian, and they had Christmas trees and Santa Claus, and I used to wonder why Jews didn’t believe in Jesus. 

Eventually, I graduated from high school and majored in music at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa. I graduated from high school during the hippie movement and when I went to college, I was drawn to them because I felt like they accepted me. To them, it didn’t matter that I was Jewish or that I grew up living at a state hospital—what people used to call the “funny farm.” I didn’t want to be different anymore, and the hippies accepted me just as I was, so I got very involved in the whole culture. The thing that I guess I loved was that you can be a free spirit and anything goes, and the next thing you know, it’s sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I embraced the lifestyle and ended up getting involved in a lot of crazy things. 

I was getting more depressed and I didn't know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, so I made the decision to move to a different school in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I changed my major from music education to music therapy and was still very immersed in the hippie culture. My parents paid for me to live in the dorm, but I also lived in a hippie commune. Living a double life was tricky because whenever I went home to visit my parents, I'd have to pretend that I was nice little Janie and everything was fine and put my regular clothes on, but as soon as I went back to school, I put on my bell-bottoms and tie-dye shirts and back in the commune. I managed to live that double life for a while, but then things caught up with me and unfortunately, I found myself pregnant.

When I got pregnant, it was before Roe versus Wade and I didn't know what to do. I waited a long time before I even got the pregnancy test, so when I found out that I was pregnant, I was shocked and remember yelling at the nurse and calling her every name in the book because I didn't want to believe it. My friends knew that I couldn't have the baby because my parents would freak out. After all, it was all about looking good and there's no way their daughter could be pregnant and not be married. So I was encouraged to have an abortion because they thought I would be better off. In those days, like it is right now, the states would decide whether or not abortion was legal or not and California was one of the states where abortion was legal, so my friends decided they would raise some money to help send me to California to get the abortion. When I went out there, it was very different because back then, abortion was looked upon shamefully. They had a hotel set up where the girls came to stay who were having abortions, but I remember to this day, the hotel proprietor saying, “We’re going to help you now, but don't ever let this happen again!” I stayed in the hotel and roomed with another girl who was going to have an abortion. It turned out we were in San Jose, California and we had to drive to San Francisco to a hospital because unfortunately because I waited too long before I took the pregnancy test I was well into my second-trimester. Without ultrasounds at the pregnancy center like today, I felt lost and had no other option.

When we got to the hospital in San Francisco the doctor explained what they were going to do. I had a saline abortion which sadly is where they burn the fetus within you and you deliver a dead baby. I remember being in a state of numbness and didn't want to believe even at that moment that I was pregnant. I went into the hospital room and I remember the nurse said to me, “When the baby stops kicking, click this button and I'll come into the room.” Years later, I found it interesting that the nurse used the term "baby". When the kicking stopped, I clicked the button and the nurse came in and told me that I would’ve had a perfect baby boy.  

After the abortion, I went into what you call denial, which is one of the most basic defenses and there's a little joke that denial is not just a river in Egypt. Denial protects us from facing trauma until we're ready to do so. I not only was in denial, but I became more numb and started using more drugs, and became even more sexually promiscuous.

When I went back to my college, I needed to perform a music piece as part of my music education. It was a 12-page sonata. The saxophone was my major instrument, and I had to memorize the piece to pass. Well, because I was doing so many drugs and was so depressed, I lost my place and completely forgot where I was, so they ended up flunking me for the entire year. 

I then realized how depressed I was and also that I was feeling a lot of physical pain in my body that I thought may have to do with the abortion, but when I went to the nurse on campus, she told me they couldn’t examine me without my parents signing a release to permit them because I was under 21.

I wasn’t ready to tell my parents because a few years earlier, my sister married a Catholic and in those days, Jews and Gentiles didn't mix, and my parents disowned her and said the prayer of the dead over her. Thankfully, two and a half years later they accepted her back into the family, which was a wonderful reconciliation, but in my mind, I thought if my parents found out about me having sex, getting pregnant, having an abortion, and being a hippie–they would certainly disown me. I thought there was no way I could tell my parents, but this pain in my body was getting worse and I didn't know what to do. My older sister Esther, who lived in Connecticut encouraged me to fly there and she made sure that her husband who was a social worker called the hospital to get me admitted, but the hospital said they couldn’t without my parents' permission. My sister told me that I was going to have to call Mom and Dad and tell them the truth. I was scared, but at the same time, I was prepared for their rejection. I picked up the phone and called my parents and proceeded to tell them that I was a hippie, I got pregnant and then had an abortion. My father's first response (remember he was a psychiatrist), but his first response was that I might as well kill myself, that I was no good to the family anymore, and how could I ever do this to them. He then slammed the phone down and I was like okay he's rejecting me–that's it, he's rejecting me, but then about 5 minutes later the phone rang again and it was my father. He called back and said, “No, Janie–I love you. You’re my daughter, and we’re going to take care of you–we'll get you the help you need. I will call the hospital and grant permission for them to examine you." As soon as my father said those words, I love you–all that pain that I've been holding in my body all those months after the abortion left. It was all in my mind because I was afraid of my father's rejection and so I was carrying all that pain inside. 

My father called the hospital, and they checked me out and said everything was fine, but he was still concerned about me and thought I needed a lot of help, so he sent my Mom out to the East Coast to get me set up with the top physiatrist. In his mind, he didn’t think there was any hope for me and that I would ever get better. After all, how can I do these terrible things and bring so much shame to the family? I remember being ushered into this beautiful office, the psychiatrist’s office, and my mother started telling the psychiatrist all the terrible things that I did. I felt like I just wanted to crawl under the desk. I was so full of shame and guilt, and then at some point, the psychiatrist said to my mother, “Would you mind leaving the room? I want to talk to your daughter alone.” And she said, "Okay." I’ll never forget this as long as I live, because I didn’t expect it. He looked at me and said, “I just want to talk to you. How are you feeling?" His caring shocked me because I was just shamed and beaten up emotionally and thought the doctor was going to do the same thing, but he wanted to know how I was feeling. I told him that I was confused, scared, and overwhelmed and his response was, "Well, your father’s not going to like this, but from one psychiatrist to another, I’m going to recommend that you live as far away as possible from them and that you work with a psychiatrist to get help. I have a good psychiatrist that I can refer you to, so if there’s any family you can live with in Connecticut, do that, but don’t say a word to your mother until I’ve had a chance to talk to your father.” At that moment, I remember feeling relief wash over me, like wow, there’s hope. I was still very depressed, but at least I felt hope. My father sent my Mom out to set me up with the psychiatrist, and I went to intensive therapy three times a week and could live with my favorite aunt and uncle for 2 and 1/2 years. It was a wonderful time because I loved them and their children so much. We were very close and would often take family vacations together. In many ways, I felt closer to this family than my own–it was a safe place. After 2 and ½ years of therapy, I knew I was ready to stop and my therapist recommended that I start working in a place that wasn’t too stressful. So, I found a job at a factory where they made Corelle Ware and worked as a glorified receptionist. One day, while sitting in the building, a guy walked in, and I thought he was cute. I learned his name was Dave, and he was from the Hartford, Connecticut, area. I remember saying to him, “You know, why don’t you come up and see me sometime?” Dave came over to see me that night and we have been together ever since. 

When I graduated I wanted to work somewhere but wasn’t sure where. Then, someone offered us the opportunity to go on the road as professional musicians. Dave didn’t get many jobs because of his long hair–in those days, they didn’t like hippies. Dave managed to find work in pizza parlors, where he could stay out of sight of customers. However, a Honky Tonk piano player befriended him and taught him how to play the big upright bass. I became a singer, and we went on the road for a while, playing at different clubs. 

I began to feel depressed and questioned if I wanted to spend my life singing for intoxicated individuals despite finally earning my degree. I recall a day at a club where we were staying in a camper out in the country. I ran outside, fell face down on the ground, and spoke to God for the first time. Before that moment, I had never talked to God because, in the Jewish religion, He is seen as distant and abstract. I cried to God, saying, “If you’re truly there, make yourself known to me!” Reflecting on it brings up emotions, and I remember Jeremiah 29:13. “And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” When I cried out to God, it wasn’t that I saw lightning or heard thunder, but I couldn’t move for the longest time, and I felt a deep peace come over me and His presence. When I got up, I knew I had to quit the band and tell Dave. 

Dave stayed with the band for a little while longer and I found a place where I could help kids who were trying to get off drugs. I volunteered there to help them not go down the same road I did. While there, a woman caught my attention with her infectious joy, and I felt the need to meet her, so I acquired her number to contact her. When I called her; her roommate answered, and told me, “She’s not home, but she is currently at a Catholic church in downtown Mankato. If you wish to see her, maybe you could go there.” I asked Dave even though I thought he would probably think I was crazy, but shockingly, he said yes. 

When we arrived at the Catholic church, I was fascinated by the illuminated Greyhound bus parked in front that displayed "Heaven" as the destination. We walked into the church, and it turned out to be a Catholic charismatic prayer meeting with people from all different denominations praising the Lord and hands lifted high. We used to sing to drunks, and for us to see this group with their hands raised singing songs to Jesus was amazing, we both realized that maybe it was Jesus that we were missing in our lives. 

Everybody accepted us even though we had our bell-bottoms on and looked scraggly, and Dave had long puffy hair then, but they accepted us, loved us, and kept inviting us. One day, there was a second or third meeting, and this priest asked us if he could pray for us to receive Jesus into our lives as our own personal Lord and Savior. My response was, but I'm Jewish. I can't do that. I really can't do that. Well, it turns out that the person I went to the church to meet is a hairdresser, so I asked if I could meet with her for a haircut, and she shared her testimony of being brought up Catholic and experiencing severe depression. She invited Jesus into her life to be her own personal Lord and Savior, and all her depression left. I shared with her that I was Jewish, but she still prayed for me. Interestingly, the Lord directed her to a scripture, which was Isaiah 53. This scripture emphasizes Jesus as the suffering Messiah, who suffered and was wounded for our transgressions. I remember saying, "Oh, but that's the New Testament, and she said no; no, that's the Old Testament." I remember growing up in the synagogue, they would always skip that reading; they would read Isaiah 52 and then go to Isaiah 54. So one day, I asked the rabbi why he always skipped over that reading, and he replied, "Oh, it's just because I'm tired of telling people it's not Jesus." 

On August 4th, 1974, Dave and I got on our knees and received Jesus Yeshua into our lives. Yeshua is the Hebrew word for Jesus, which also means salvation. Suddenly, after the prayer, this overwhelming joy filled me. I became a new creation--2 Corinthians 5:17. So at that moment, joy filled me. I couldn't stop weeping tears of joy, and I knew that this Jesus I'd been told not to believe in all my life was real! I was blind and now I could see! After giving my life to Jesus, somebody from the church approached me and shared a special word the Lord put on their heart, "You know Goldie, I feel that your gift is the gift of joy".  From that moment, the gift of joy entered my life. Throughout my life, I experienced constant depression to the extent that my mother used to say, "She's going to carry around a pocket full of tears wherever she goes." So the fact that I felt amazing joy was incredible. After this, Dave and I stopped living together and we got married on November 23rd, 1974. If you saw the movie Jesus Revolution, it's like Dave and my story. 

Goldie, could you share what the Lord is doing in your life now? You have a counseling and life coach background and you're an author and have a movie called Rainbow In The Night. 

In 1993, I returned to school and obtained my master’s degree in social work. Our relocation to Pennsylvania led us to a remarkable Messianic Jewish congregation in Philadelphia, as directed by the Lord. After working in the field for a while, a young lady came to me as a client. She was a Christian, and she came to me because she was thinking about having an abortion at one time--she shared with me that she was brought up in a Christian home and was the trophy Christian daughter. When she went away to college, she was tired of being put up on a pedestal, so she ended up backsliding, having sex, and getting pregnant. Realizing she couldn’t share this with her Christian parents or church, she thought of having an abortion. 

While at the abortion clinic, she experienced a miscarriage, but internally, she believed she had terminated the pregnancy. Seeking biblical guidance, she turned to me for counsel. I successfully arranged a meeting with the whole family, creating an opening for sincere repentance, and her parents humbly sought her forgiveness. I brought her to a pregnancy center so she could receive the necessary healing, as she had intended to have an abortion. During my time there, the executive director mentioned that I had been recommended to her for the position of Client Services Director. Despite being quiet, my husband strongly believed that not accepting the position would lead to a lifetime of regret. 

I met with the Board of Directors for an interview and the President of the Board asked me why I wanted to work at the pregnancy center. Well, an emotional flood of memories from my abortion surfaced, as I had been in deep denial for 27 years. I told them that 27 years ago I had an abortion, and if I could prevent just one abortion, I would love the opportunity to do that. After the interview, I thought they would never want me to work for them because I couldn’t stop sobbing. However, at 10:30 pm, the executive director called and said they all talked about it and decided they wanted to offer me the position and that I would be perfect for the job but before I could start working, I had to go through the post-abortion Bible study to make sure that there wasn’t anything I still needed healing from. I needed to be healed from my abortion trauma, so I could come alongside those who are abortion-minded and hurting. 

Soon after beginning the Bible study, I got in touch with what happened, and I had to acknowledge that I had ended the life of my baby. I fell to the ground, and I couldn’t stop crying for over an hour about what I had done. At the end of the Bible study, they had us have a memorial service where you could make peace and name your baby so you could say goodbye and have closure. 

I knew that my baby was a boy, and in the Jewish religion, if you have a son, you name the baby boy after the first letter of your father’s name, so I named him Samuel, which means God sees him. I went home that evening with the certificate with Samuel’s name on it, and I showed it to my husband, Dave, and with tears in his eyes said, “I want to adopt your baby in heaven so that one day we will be parents together." We had to make a heartbreaking decision not to have children, which is part of my story in the book and movie so his comment was so touching and amazing. 

Writing my book Rainbow In The Night took 20 years to complete because I had so much pain in my life that I needed to work through--there were still parts of my past that I was holding onto. I realized that I could only finish writing the book once I was willing to completely surrender my painful past to the Lord. The book was published in December 2019. If the Lord can do all this for me, He is surely capable of healing you as well! 

The person who edited my abortion story is a dear friend of mine, and she and her husband felt it should be made into a movie, so they introduced me to producers who produce faith-based films. I shared the story with them, and they said yes. The Rainbow In The Night movie is an hour and 17 minutes, and it’s me telling my life story without a script. The director encouraged me to share my story with raw emotion. As I shared my story, they filled it in with amazing backdrops and music and put everything into it to make my story, and it’s been nominated for some film festivals. It’s a great blessing and joy to be taking the movie on the road, and with special movie screenings wherever the Lord opens the doors, I will go because I feel that He wants this movie to be out there to bring hope to so many people and women out there who are hurting from abortions. 

Whenever I do a movie screening, I make sure that there’s somebody there from a pregnancy center because every time, there’s a woman who comes forward who maybe never shared their abortion with another person and feels so much shame and guilt about it because it’s a very dark issue, even though part of the country sadly embraces abortion like it’s no big thing; it’s not that quick, easy fix. Within women it goes against the grain of who God created us to be, so there’s nothing natural about that, so women go underground, and there are so many women sitting in churches shrouded in guilt and shame. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to share my traumatic second-trimester abortion story--to open hearts and unlock the hurt inside so many women. I also share my salvation testimony and want Jewish people to know that Jesus Yeshua is the Jewish Messiah. Many themes in the movie relate to people going through difficult challenges in life. Dave and I had to work through a lot in our marriage and we want to be honest about it because we feel that if we can overcome these things and celebrate our 50th anniversary on November 23, 2024, others can do the same. So the movie is about hope, encouragement, redemption, and forgiveness, and the main theme is surrender--Whoever the Son sets free is free indeed, John 8:36. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus came, so we will have life and have it to the full (John 10:10). 

The Lord called Jane “Goldie” Winn out of darkness and futility, bringing her into overflowing joy and deep purpose. Goldie’s RAINBOW IN THE NIGHT movie and book depict her journey of healing and how the Lord used every tear for His Kingdom plans. Rainbow in the Night is bringing hope to many and giving people courage to continue their own journeys. RENT THE MOVIE AND BUY THE BOOK!

Watch the MOVIE TRAILER 

for Rainbow IN THE NIGHT &

Read Movie Reviews and Gallery Pictures too! 

BOOK A MOVIE SCREENING  for 

RAINBOW IN THE NIGHT 

for Your Church or Special Event!

Watch the video review of Pastor Todd Joyner of Church in the Gardens in Palm Beach Gardens, FL, from the movie screening of Rainbow in the Night at his church.

Purchase Goldie's Book on Amazon

Goldie's Ministry Site

Lisa Buldo

Mentoring, Coaching, Consulting, Author, and Host of The Victorious Life Broadcast

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 Corinthians 15:57) 

I was a very sickly child with asthma and allergies, which I developed at the age of 4. I struggled with asthma and allergies throughout my teen years as well. Then, at the age of 19, I developed acne, which I had for 15 years, and then in my early 30s, I struggled with digestive problems. The Lord burned a passion in me for nutrition, health, and wellness. Through all of this, I have learned how to get healthy and overcome my health challenges. Later on, I went on to become a Certified Health Coach. I have been working with clients and speaking all over the nation for 17 years, and I have been a researcher of health and nutrition for 23 years. 

Additionally, I went through a traumatic divorce in 1999, and it humbled me to the point of death. The reason for the divorce was due, in part, to my beginning. I grew up without a father, and I had abandonment issues along with fear, anger, and depression. It carried right into adulthood. I did not know how to have a proper relationship. I was very needy, controlling, and angry, and it ruined my marriage. After the divorce, I was so angry and depressed that I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think straight. I just existed. I sought out astrologers and psychics for help, and it made my situation worse. I had panic attacks and constant anxiety. 

One day, while I was at work, I had such a bad anxiety attack that I thought my heart would jump out of my chest. I went into the bathroom and locked the door, got on my knees, leaned over the toilet seat, and said, "God, I surrender. Please, if you help me, I’ll do anything. I don’t want to die!” A couple of minutes later, I composed myself and went back to my desk. As I wiped the tears from my eyes, a co-worker said to me, “Why don’t you just call your church and see if they can help you?” Embarrassed as I was, I did call my church to ask for help. They put me in touch with a woman who would forever change my life. Her name is Florence. I counseled with Florence once a week for 6 months, and I grew strong in the Lord. I read about 25 books during that time by Kenneth E. Hagin, and that began my “faith walk.” I’ve never looked back. I’ve been walking and growing in the Lord ever since, and I have overcome my struggle with fear, anger, and depression. I now coach clients all over the world and travel, speaking on the subject of healthy and victorious living. I specialize in healthy weight loss, type 2 diabetes, acne, and digestive issues, as well as the emotional issues of fear, anger, and depression, through the Biblical principles in God's Word. The scripture verse that helped me the most during the worst of my struggles is: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) I am called to spread the Good News, be a light in a dark place, and help the multitudes live in victory! 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) 

Lisa shared her testimony on a VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies broadcast. Please consider liking, sharing, and subscribing. Thank you! 

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