Jane "Goldie" Winn
Author, Speaker, and Life Coach
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13 NASB)
"You planned evil against me; God planned it for good to bring about the present result--the survival of many people." (Genesis 50:20 CSB)
These are the questions that I asked Goldie during her interview on the VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies YouTube channel, and what she shared. Please consider, liking, sharing, and subscribing to the channel. Thank you!
May you share your testimony? It’s very miraculous. I know it will help many people–It has and will continue to do so because of what God has done in your life.
Yes, thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here tonight. I never know exactly where to start sharing my story, but I trust the Lord will give me His prompting on where to start. Maybe it’s a good idea to set the scene. I grew up in a Jewish family. Our parents raised us as conservative Jews, and I was born in Massachusetts. We lived in Florida for a little while when my father was a doctor. My father was the assistant superintendent of the VA Hospital in St. Petersburg, Florida. In 1958, he received an offer to go to Independence, Iowa, a tiny town of 5,000, where he became the superintendent of a huge state mental hospital. I remember pulling up to the hospital grounds and seeing all these bars on the windows–I was young, maybe in second or third grade. When we parked, my father got out of the car and said, “What have I done? All these bars are on the windows. My first decision is that I’m going to remove all those bars from the windows and make it more humane for these patients.” My father was an amazing visionary, and he believed in treating the mentally ill with dignity, as he used to say, but for the grace of God, there go I.
My dad taught us from a young age to respect the mentally ill. There were 1,100 patients in the hospital and 500 employees. Growing up, our living quarters were sandwiched between patient wards in the main administration building of the hospital. The place I grew up in was intriguing, with a long winding staircase that linked the superintendent’s apartment to the main administration area. Every time my family went down that staircase, the staff would stand up to show their support and respect. The patients and staff held him in high regard as a patriarchal superintendent. It was interesting because he was very different behind closed doors. Behind closed doors, my father was emotionally and physically abusive, mostly to my older sister than me. My sister Esther is six years older than me, and Cathy, my younger sister, is five years younger. Despite this, it was mainly Esther who experienced the bulk of his anger, and we still don’t completely understand why. One of the theories is that in the Jewish religion, it’s always wonderful to have a son—Esther was the firstborn and wasn’t a son, but was a fighter, so when my father would approach her to beat her, she would fight back. However, I was the one who held the pain in the family and would become very depressed. I would keep the pain inside, and escape into the bathroom to take bubble baths for hours and read books like Nancy Drew and Bobbsey Twins because I didn’t know how to deal with the pain. It was also confusing to me that the world saw my father so differently than he was behind closed doors—It was hard to bridge those two worlds together. Also, we were one of the only Jewish families in the small town that we lived in. It was important to my parents to keep up our Jewish traditions, such as having Shabbat dinner and celebrating all the Jewish holidays, so we would drive 45 minutes every Friday night for Shabbat services to Waterloo, Iowa, where there was a conservative synagogue, which is the middle road—it’s not strict Orthodox and it’s not reform—so there was Hebrew spoken in the services and English as well. I remember not feeling happy in my childhood. I didn’t want to feel so different, and kids would make fun of me because I was Jewish and everyone in the town was Christian, and they had Christmas trees and Santa Claus, and I used to wonder why Jews didn’t believe in Jesus.
Eventually, I graduated from high school and majored in music at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa. I graduated from high school during the hippie movement and when I went to college, I was drawn to them because I felt like they accepted me. To them, it didn’t matter that I was Jewish or that I grew up living at a state hospital—what people used to call the “funny farm.” I didn’t want to be different anymore, and the hippies accepted me just as I was, so I got very involved in the whole culture. The thing that I guess I loved was that you can be a free spirit and anything goes, and the next thing you know, it’s sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I embraced the lifestyle and ended up getting involved in a lot of crazy things.
I was getting more depressed and I didn't know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, so I made the decision to move to a different school in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I changed my major from music education to music therapy and was still very immersed in the hippie culture. My parents paid for me to live in the dorm, but I also lived in a hippie commune. Living a double life was tricky because whenever I went home to visit my parents, I'd have to pretend that I was nice little Janie and everything was fine and put my regular clothes on, but as soon as I went back to school, I put on my bell-bottoms and tie-dye shirts and back in the commune. I managed to live that double life for a while, but then things caught up with me and unfortunately, I found myself pregnant.
When I got pregnant, it was before Roe versus Wade and I didn't know what to do. I waited a long time before I even got the pregnancy test, so when I found out that I was pregnant, I was shocked and remember yelling at the nurse and calling her every name in the book because I didn't want to believe it. My friends knew that I couldn't have the baby because my parents would freak out. After all, it was all about looking good and there's no way their daughter could be pregnant and not be married. So I was encouraged to have an abortion because they thought I would be better off. In those days, like it is right now, the states would decide whether or not abortion was legal or not and California was one of the states where abortion was legal, so my friends decided they would raise some money to help send me to California to get the abortion. When I went out there, it was very different because back then, abortion was looked upon shamefully. They had a hotel set up where the girls came to stay who were having abortions, but I remember to this day, the hotel proprietor saying, “We’re going to help you now, but don't ever let this happen again!” I stayed in the hotel and roomed with another girl who was going to have an abortion. It turned out we were in San Jose, California and we had to drive to San Francisco to a hospital because unfortunately because I waited too long before I took the pregnancy test I was well into my second-trimester. Without ultrasounds at the pregnancy center like today, I felt lost and had no other option.
When we got to the hospital in San Francisco the doctor explained what they were going to do. I had a saline abortion which sadly is where they burn the fetus within you and you deliver a dead baby. I remember being in a state of numbness and didn't want to believe even at that moment that I was pregnant. I went into the hospital room and I remember the nurse said to me, “When the baby stops kicking, click this button and I'll come into the room.” Years later, I found it interesting that the nurse used the term "baby". When the kicking stopped, I clicked the button and the nurse came in and told me that I would’ve had a perfect baby boy.
After the abortion, I went into what you call denial, which is one of the most basic defenses and there's a little joke that denial is not just a river in Egypt. Denial protects us from facing trauma until we're ready to do so. I not only was in denial, but I became more numb and started using more drugs, and became even more sexually promiscuous.
When I went back to my college, I needed to perform a music piece as part of my music education. It was a 12-page sonata. The saxophone was my major instrument, and I had to memorize the piece to pass. Well, because I was doing so many drugs and was so depressed, I lost my place and completely forgot where I was, so they ended up flunking me for the entire year.
I then realized how depressed I was and also that I was feeling a lot of physical pain in my body that I thought may have to do with the abortion, but when I went to the nurse on campus, she told me they couldn’t examine me without my parents signing a release to permit them because I was under 21.
I wasn’t ready to tell my parents because a few years earlier, my sister married a Catholic and in those days, Jews and Gentiles didn't mix, and my parents disowned her and said the prayer of the dead over her. Thankfully, two and a half years later they accepted her back into the family, which was a wonderful reconciliation, but in my mind, I thought if my parents found out about me having sex, getting pregnant, having an abortion, and being a hippie–they would certainly disown me. I thought there was no way I could tell my parents, but this pain in my body was getting worse and I didn't know what to do. My older sister Esther, who lived in Connecticut encouraged me to fly there and she made sure that her husband who was a social worker called the hospital to get me admitted, but the hospital said they couldn’t without my parents' permission. My sister told me that I was going to have to call Mom and Dad and tell them the truth. I was scared, but at the same time, I was prepared for their rejection. I picked up the phone and called my parents and proceeded to tell them that I was a hippie, I got pregnant and then had an abortion. My father's first response (remember he was a psychiatrist), but his first response was that I might as well kill myself, that I was no good to the family anymore, and how could I ever do this to them. He then slammed the phone down and I was like okay he's rejecting me–that's it, he's rejecting me, but then about 5 minutes later the phone rang again and it was my father. He called back and said, “No, Janie–I love you. You’re my daughter, and we’re going to take care of you–we'll get you the help you need. I will call the hospital and grant permission for them to examine you." As soon as my father said those words, I love you–all that pain that I've been holding in my body all those months after the abortion left. It was all in my mind because I was afraid of my father's rejection and so I was carrying all that pain inside.
My father called the hospital, and they checked me out and said everything was fine, but he was still concerned about me and thought I needed a lot of help, so he sent my Mom out to the East Coast to get me set up with the top physiatrist. In his mind, he didn’t think there was any hope for me and that I would ever get better. After all, how can I do these terrible things and bring so much shame to the family? I remember being ushered into this beautiful office, the psychiatrist’s office, and my mother started telling the psychiatrist all the terrible things that I did. I felt like I just wanted to crawl under the desk. I was so full of shame and guilt, and then at some point, the psychiatrist said to my mother, “Would you mind leaving the room? I want to talk to your daughter alone.” And she said, "Okay." I’ll never forget this as long as I live, because I didn’t expect it. He looked at me and said, “I just want to talk to you. How are you feeling?" His caring shocked me because I was just shamed and beaten up emotionally and thought the doctor was going to do the same thing, but he wanted to know how I was feeling. I told him that I was confused, scared, and overwhelmed and his response was, "Well, your father’s not going to like this, but from one psychiatrist to another, I’m going to recommend that you live as far away as possible from them and that you work with a psychiatrist to get help. I have a good psychiatrist that I can refer you to, so if there’s any family you can live with in Connecticut, do that, but don’t say a word to your mother until I’ve had a chance to talk to your father.” At that moment, I remember feeling relief wash over me, like wow, there’s hope. I was still very depressed, but at least I felt hope. My father sent my Mom out to set me up with the psychiatrist, and I went to intensive therapy three times a week and could live with my favorite aunt and uncle for 2 and 1/2 years. It was a wonderful time because I loved them and their children so much. We were very close and would often take family vacations together. In many ways, I felt closer to this family than my own–it was a safe place. After 2 and ½ years of therapy, I knew I was ready to stop and my therapist recommended that I start working in a place that wasn’t too stressful. So, I found a job at a factory where they made Corelle Ware and worked as a glorified receptionist. One day, while sitting in the building, a guy walked in, and I thought he was cute. I learned his name was Dave, and he was from the Hartford, Connecticut, area. I remember saying to him, “You know, why don’t you come up and see me sometime?” Dave came over to see me that night and we have been together ever since.
When I graduated I wanted to work somewhere but wasn’t sure where. Then, someone offered us the opportunity to go on the road as professional musicians. Dave didn’t get many jobs because of his long hair–in those days, they didn’t like hippies. Dave managed to find work in pizza parlors, where he could stay out of sight of customers. However, a Honky Tonk piano player befriended him and taught him how to play the big upright bass. I became a singer, and we went on the road for a while, playing at different clubs.
I began to feel depressed and questioned if I wanted to spend my life singing for intoxicated individuals despite finally earning my degree. I recall a day at a club where we were staying in a camper out in the country. I ran outside, fell face down on the ground, and spoke to God for the first time. Before that moment, I had never talked to God because, in the Jewish religion, He is seen as distant and abstract. I cried to God, saying, “If you’re truly there, make yourself known to me!” Reflecting on it brings up emotions, and I remember Jeremiah 29:13. “And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” When I cried out to God, it wasn’t that I saw lightning or heard thunder, but I couldn’t move for the longest time, and I felt a deep peace come over me and His presence. When I got up, I knew I had to quit the band and tell Dave.
Dave stayed with the band for a little while longer and I found a place where I could help kids who were trying to get off drugs. I volunteered there to help them not go down the same road I did. While there, a woman caught my attention with her infectious joy, and I felt the need to meet her, so I acquired her number to contact her. When I called her; her roommate answered, and told me, “She’s not home, but she is currently at a Catholic church in downtown Mankato. If you wish to see her, maybe you could go there.” I asked Dave even though I thought he would probably think I was crazy, but shockingly, he said yes.
When we arrived at the Catholic church, I was fascinated by the illuminated Greyhound bus parked in front that displayed "Heaven" as the destination. We walked into the church, and it turned out to be a Catholic charismatic prayer meeting with people from all different denominations praising the Lord and hands lifted high. We used to sing to drunks, and for us to see this group with their hands raised singing songs to Jesus was amazing, we both realized that maybe it was Jesus that we were missing in our lives.
Everybody accepted us even though we had our bell-bottoms on and looked scraggly, and Dave had long puffy hair then, but they accepted us, loved us, and kept inviting us. One day, there was a second or third meeting, and this priest asked us if he could pray for us to receive Jesus into our lives as our own personal Lord and Savior. My response was, but I'm Jewish. I can't do that. I really can't do that. Well, it turns out that the person I went to the church to meet is a hairdresser, so I asked if I could meet with her for a haircut, and she shared her testimony of being brought up Catholic and experiencing severe depression. She invited Jesus into her life to be her own personal Lord and Savior, and all her depression left. I shared with her that I was Jewish, but she still prayed for me. Interestingly, the Lord directed her to a scripture, which was Isaiah 53. This scripture emphasizes Jesus as the suffering Messiah, who suffered and was wounded for our transgressions. I remember saying, "Oh, but that's the New Testament, and she said no; no, that's the Old Testament." I remember growing up in the synagogue, they would always skip that reading; they would read Isaiah 52 and then go to Isaiah 54. So one day, I asked the rabbi why he always skipped over that reading, and he replied, "Oh, it's just because I'm tired of telling people it's not Jesus."
On August 4th, 1974, Dave and I got on our knees and received Jesus Yeshua into our lives. Yeshua is the Hebrew word for Jesus, which also means salvation. Suddenly, after the prayer, this overwhelming joy filled me. I became a new creation--2 Corinthians 5:17. So at that moment, joy filled me. I couldn't stop weeping tears of joy, and I knew that this Jesus I'd been told not to believe in all my life was real! I was blind and now I could see! After giving my life to Jesus, somebody from the church approached me and shared a special word the Lord put on their heart, "You know Goldie, I feel that your gift is the gift of joy". From that moment, the gift of joy entered my life. Throughout my life, I experienced constant depression to the extent that my mother used to say, "She's going to carry around a pocket full of tears wherever she goes." So the fact that I felt amazing joy was incredible. After this, Dave and I stopped living together and we got married on November 23rd, 1974. If you saw the movie Jesus Revolution, it's like Dave and my story.
Goldie, could you share what the Lord is doing in your life now? You have a counseling and life coach background and you're an author and have a movie called Rainbow In The Night.
In 1993, I returned to school and obtained my master’s degree in social work. Our relocation to Pennsylvania led us to a remarkable Messianic Jewish congregation in Philadelphia, as directed by the Lord. After working in the field for a while, a young lady came to me as a client. She was a Christian, and she came to me because she was thinking about having an abortion at one time--she shared with me that she was brought up in a Christian home and was the trophy Christian daughter. When she went away to college, she was tired of being put up on a pedestal, so she ended up backsliding, having sex, and getting pregnant. Realizing she couldn’t share this with her Christian parents or church, she thought of having an abortion.
While at the abortion clinic, she experienced a miscarriage, but internally, she believed she had terminated the pregnancy. Seeking biblical guidance, she turned to me for counsel. I successfully arranged a meeting with the whole family, creating an opening for sincere repentance, and her parents humbly sought her forgiveness. I brought her to a pregnancy center so she could receive the necessary healing, as she had intended to have an abortion. During my time there, the executive director mentioned that I had been recommended to her for the position of Client Services Director. Despite being quiet, my husband strongly believed that not accepting the position would lead to a lifetime of regret.
I met with the Board of Directors for an interview and the President of the Board asked me why I wanted to work at the pregnancy center. Well, an emotional flood of memories from my abortion surfaced, as I had been in deep denial for 27 years. I told them that 27 years ago I had an abortion, and if I could prevent just one abortion, I would love the opportunity to do that. After the interview, I thought they would never want me to work for them because I couldn’t stop sobbing. However, at 10:30 pm, the executive director called and said they all talked about it and decided they wanted to offer me the position and that I would be perfect for the job but before I could start working, I had to go through the post-abortion Bible study to make sure that there wasn’t anything I still needed healing from. I needed to be healed from my abortion trauma, so I could come alongside those who are abortion-minded and hurting.
Soon after beginning the Bible study, I got in touch with what happened, and I had to acknowledge that I had ended the life of my baby. I fell to the ground, and I couldn’t stop crying for over an hour about what I had done. At the end of the Bible study, they had us have a memorial service where you could make peace and name your baby so you could say goodbye and have closure.
I knew that my baby was a boy, and in the Jewish religion, if you have a son, you name the baby boy after the first letter of your father’s name, so I named him Samuel, which means God sees him. I went home that evening with the certificate with Samuel’s name on it, and I showed it to my husband, Dave, and with tears in his eyes said, “I want to adopt your baby in heaven so that one day we will be parents together." We had to make a heartbreaking decision not to have children, which is part of my story in the book and movie so his comment was so touching and amazing.
Writing my book Rainbow In The Night took 20 years to complete because I had so much pain in my life that I needed to work through--there were still parts of my past that I was holding onto. I realized that I could only finish writing the book once I was willing to completely surrender my painful past to the Lord. The book was published in December 2019. If the Lord can do all this for me, He is surely capable of healing you as well!
The person who edited my abortion story is a dear friend of mine, and she and her husband felt it should be made into a movie, so they introduced me to producers who produce faith-based films. I shared the story with them, and they said yes. The Rainbow In The Night movie is an hour and 17 minutes, and it’s me telling my life story without a script. The director encouraged me to share my story with raw emotion. As I shared my story, they filled it in with amazing backdrops and music and put everything into it to make my story, and it’s been nominated for some film festivals. It’s a great blessing and joy to be taking the movie on the road, and with special movie screenings wherever the Lord opens the doors, I will go because I feel that He wants this movie to be out there to bring hope to so many people and women out there who are hurting from abortions.
Whenever I do a movie screening, I make sure that there’s somebody there from a pregnancy center because every time, there’s a woman who comes forward who maybe never shared their abortion with another person and feels so much shame and guilt about it because it’s a very dark issue, even though part of the country sadly embraces abortion like it’s no big thing; it’s not that quick, easy fix. Within women it goes against the grain of who God created us to be, so there’s nothing natural about that, so women go underground, and there are so many women sitting in churches shrouded in guilt and shame. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to share my traumatic second-trimester abortion story--to open hearts and unlock the hurt inside so many women. I also share my salvation testimony and want Jewish people to know that Jesus Yeshua is the Jewish Messiah. Many themes in the movie relate to people going through difficult challenges in life. Dave and I had to work through a lot in our marriage and we want to be honest about it because we feel that if we can overcome these things and celebrate our 50th anniversary on November 23, 2024, others can do the same. So the movie is about hope, encouragement, redemption, and forgiveness, and the main theme is surrender--Whoever the Son sets free is free indeed, John 8:36. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus came, so we will have life and have it to the full (John 10:10).
The Lord called Jane “Goldie” Winn out of darkness and futility, bringing her into overflowing joy and deep purpose. Goldie’s RAINBOW IN THE NIGHT movie and book depict her journey of healing and how the Lord used every tear for His Kingdom plans. Rainbow in the Night is bringing hope to many and giving people courage to continue their own journeys. RENT THE MOVIE AND BUY THE BOOK!
Watch the video review of Pastor Todd Joyner of Church in the Gardens in Palm Beach Gardens, FL, from the movie screening of Rainbow in the Night at his church.
Purchase Goldie's Book on Amazon
Goldie's Ministry Site
